A Grandson Laments

Yesterday night, I met my grandmother after 22 years.......

I really did not wish to meet her..... What would I tell her? What would I show her? That Her grandson has won all the battles in his life but lost all the wars in his life..... How would I reconcile my loving grandmother to the fact that her grandson has not succeeded in every important battle of life...... although he is considered as very successful and talented.....

But I did meet her... her eyes are still as soft as ever, her smile as genuine as ever, her face is as serene as ever and her heart as full of love as ever...... everything is the same except....

Except me!

Wohi Hai Saaz, Wohi Geet Hai, Wohi Manzar,
Har Ek Cheez Wohi Hai,
Nahin Hoon Main Woh Magar !

I am not the same Raj, the same young man I used to be...... I have changed and changed drastically..... there is no innocence in my eyes, no tears too! there is no softness in my heart, no love too! the childlike innocence that I had at some point of time has died and lies unshrouded on some dark filthy alleyway of the hard street of life.. .thrown apart from the body like a sanitary napkin thrown apart after it's one-time use......

The smiling boy who was called Prince Charming by his school and college boys is dead and what you have in his place is a heartless, dark, cruel and highly arrogant manifestation of all that's devilish and unholy ... the Harry Potter of the 1980s has transformed into Lord Voldemort of the 2008 and the transformation could not have been more perfect......

Yes.. somewhere within me that boy lives..... and it's unfortunate that he still lives..... he wants a lot from life ..... a lot more than I can give......

He wants love, he wants peace, he wants happiness.... but Raj..... they are not supposed to be yours..... they were never supposed to be..... what do I tell him and how do I tell him......

Ye Raat Kehti Hai Woh Din Gaye Tere
Ye Jaanta Hai Dil Ki Woh Nahin Mere

I could not face her.... how could I face my grandmother; how could I see tears into her eyes.... she would have surely felt my loss and I would never have been able to see her crying... I was never able to see tears in the eyes of those I loved..... one of the reasons I never attend any funerals.....

But she understood... my latest loss too.... and asked me to let her hold me.....

Daadi Maa... I wish you could hold me..... I wish you could ...

You know something mom..... the kingdom of heaven has been very good to you... sadly, here again we will be separated..... you will reside in the Kingdom of Heaven and I will be away from you... suffering the pangs of pain... in the Empire of Hell......

Dil Ki Ye Hasrat Hai Tere Paas Main Aaoon
Jo Gir Gayi Ho Aisi Nigaah Kaise Milaaon
Nakaam Hoon, Badnaam Hoon;
Kya Mujh Mein Bhala Hai......

Daadi Maa.... If I could .... I definitely would!