Mental Strength

It was a sunny day in 1987 - I stood in the claustrophobic alley between two imposing houses in a quiet chawl - behind me was the enormous gutter - the one that that was as black as darkness and as winding and fearful as a snake - my reflections and those of my friend- that part dirty part sublime thing  called Conscience could be seen in the dark waters of that abyss - one that we routinely avoided. Behind us grew those green undergrowths that have a way of growing even where they should not.

"So, do you think you have the mental courage to walk out? Do you have the guts in you to stand for what you think is right and the world at large and society in particular, thinks is wrong? Do you have the courage to follow your heart when all that your heart can promise you is nothing but dignity? Can you consign your life to deep pain so that your personal values may remain sacrosanct? Can you suffer all that society heaps on you for a moment of personal honour? Are you mentally tough?"

It was my conscience asking me a final question. For a long period of time, I do not know how long, maybe a second, maybe a lifetime, I had been entangled by that one question.

I wanted to live, not to survive.... I wanted to soar into the beautiful skies like an eagle, not wallow on the roads like a chameleon, I wanted to live life on my terms and not on the doles meted out ot me by my society.

It was a tough time. On one side, stood my feelings of loyalty, duty and my notions of family and on the other stood my values, my refusal to compromise, my firm dedication to the Truth.

Was I mentally tough to stand when all around me would keep me down?

And stand I did! Alone, Lonely and weary, I stood alone to one and all; I refused to take a 'no' for an answer; every battle of life, I battled alone - I was the soldier of my fortune, I, the general of my undertakings - none could defeat my purpose - blood gushed out mercilessly of the wounds that time threw on my aspirations, blood flowed like water from the gaping holes that life put through me, every knife of those I loved pained me, each and every of those daggers was thrust on me with a vigour I could not comprehend, I grimaced in pain as each of those knives pained me, seared my consciousness and made my heart into the whore of life.

Still I never cowed down - my biggest regret and pride in life strangely remains the same - I never compromised!

Nothing could stop me in my tracks - no weapon was strong enough to blow me to smithereens, no power strong enough to strangle my dreams and my ambitions - till..... till today......

After fighting a lonely battle, a battle where I saw more lows than highs, where I saw more defeats than victories, a battle where I saw more pain than pleasure, where I saw more losses than success and still refused to yield - I have been today given the best compliment of all - THAT I AM NOT MENTALLY TOUGH!

O! The irony of it all!

I would laugh at my shock had I the power to laugh - somehow there is no emotion left - except a final smile at the viccisitudes of life - It would be so comic, so hilarious, had it not been so painful!

I remember my days - those instances of my life - where I stood unmoving at the altar of so many blackmails, so many emotional tantrums... I remembered those days when I stood starving in front of a hotel and was still dignified to act as if I had had the best luncheon this side of the city.

I remember the day when my dad (the man I loved the most in my life) humiliated me in front of an entire marriage procession and I in a bid to perform my duty of a son, could only smile and eat those tasteless morsels of food despite all humiliations - I remember my uncles and cousins helping me to more and more food, knowing my discomfiture and I eating all of these while my father's words rang true in my head.

I remember being very hungry for days on end and then letting do with a cup of tea and 2 biscuits for an entire day and sometimes couple of days - and then managing to hear my friends tell all that they were 'so generous' to take care of me - how they were spending 'INR 5 on me on a daily basis' and still smiling at them and teaching them the finest tricks of mathematics.

I remember being very hungry one night and passing near a dust bin and finding some rich brat having thrown packets of chivda and farsan and then climbing inside the bin to retrieve it and then feeling so very ashamed of my own self, silently emptying all of it in a gutter with my own hands while I stood hungry and starved.

I remember buying a plate of scrambled eggs and then suddenly being requested by a friend for food and then watching him gobble up everything leaving for me only one piece of bread for me. Moving ahead to have it only to find a stray dog take it away and then laugh it all off with a beautiful song.

There are so many things I remember - the urge to be different, society's ruthless punishment for daring to be different, family and friends who would take advantage of me and enemies who never let go of a chance to ridicule me..... still I persevered ...... it was tough to fight... there were always portents of an easy path - to accept what others said was the gospel truth and to kill my individuality

I had everything to win by doing just that - my family, my love, my individuality -everything but I still held on for my values - I had become mentally so resilient that nothing was enough to throw me out of my firm resolve - I had grown up long before I actually grew up.

Today as I look back at those days, I can only think of my amusement and sense of bewilderment of how I survived som many barbs and still remained with my dignity intact.

In the eyes of the society, today I stand, not at the top of the world but considering what I had to face all my life from my friends and foes, family and others, love and hatred, still a surviving relic of my success - but the price that I have paid for reaching where I have - who wishes to pay such prices any more. Today I can throw away money, the way some people throw away love but what value is it to me? It doesn't please me any longer.

I have lost all and am still losing all that matters to me

In a way, I am still the same 6 year old boy who still sits on the steps of a beautiful white church, as the sun sets and hopes that someone will come and take him home - the times go on increasing, the shadows go on lengthening but no one come to take him home. He does not despair, holds his head held high, clutches his back tightly against his chest, the faithful have started coming in droves - he sees the image of Jesus Christ looking at him through painted glasses, he smiles at that figure on the cross and the figure only looks at him saddened.

Then, slowly as if aware that he has been forgotten, he walks up and starts walking - slowly and steadily to the cemetary and then falls asleep against some crosses - unknowing that one day his own life would be a skillful navigation of life's roads with his own cross to bear.....

Is this what Jesus meant when he asked God:

"God, why have you forsaken me?"

I understand that now; but then Christ God never forsook you and me... well.... God never accepted me!!!

But still somewhere the child still exists and like a fool, he still loves, he still hopes that someone would be ready to sacrifice everything for him - well, children are so foolish - their trust so stupid - what do I do with this heart of mine?

Aaghaaz Ke Bin Tera Anjaam Taye Ho Chuka,
Iss Paar Aahein, Uss Paar Aansoon, Hum Yahan Naa Wahaan

I wish I could have been cold and distant - I wish I could be like others - openly selfish - able to force others through emotional blackmail and all such other ways to do my bidding - maybe in my personal life, I should have learnt ot do what I want to do - things would have been so much easier

And yes - I wish I could be mentally and emotionally strong - for as all say - maybe I am not!