A story

There was once a mother and a daughter living together in a beautiful city where ther was peace happiness and most importantly, a close bond between the two.

The mother loved her daughter a lot and took exceptional care of her. She worked hard, did exceptional hours; everything for the sake of that daughter. She was beautiful and intelligent; had she wanted her own life, she could have got anythingshe wanted but she looked at her daughter's child-like innocent face and with a smile that only a mother can have, she wavd away everything, her peace, her happiness; she stopped thinking about herself and only thought about the daughter. There was nothing in her life that was hers any longer. Everything was for the daughter. for her daughter, she had sacrificed her own happiness. Undoubtedly she was a great mother.

The daughter was also a gentel soul. To be frank, she was an angel in a human clothing. Innocent, sincere, simple and faithful she was everything a man could hope for all his stages of life. She was light for the most darkest of the nights and she was smile for the wettest of the tears. For the deepst pains, she was a saviour and for the worst of intenrions, she was the best of reasons why one could beleive in the existence of God

Indeed, there could not have been a better mother and daughter duo in this world. There are happiness, there was peace. The mother doted on the daughter and the Daughter did everything with only her mother in her mind. Those were beautiful days and the two shared a bond that was divine

But the Devil had other plans. He could not see them happy. He wanted to bring chaos in their lives and with that intention, he sent the most powerful of his lieutinents, his hier-apparent, the most ruthless and disgusting Beast there was in his kingdom to play with their hearts and bring pain to them.

The Beast, (may he die a disastrous death), wasted no time in winning the affections of the innocent fairy and today the mother-daughter have been rendered asunder by this most obnoxious and spiteful of creatures, this Beast, who deserves nothing but the severest of censure and ridicule has brought a lot of pain to both the mother and the daughter.

Why should he live? Why should he not be punished? What should be his punishment?

Let the punishment meted out to the beast be exemplary - let the world know that none should ever trample over the most precious of all relationships - let the end of this abominable creature be the source of inspiration to all true hearts and a warning to all with darkness in their hearts

Maybe it's true that the Beast loves her a lot, but that is no excuse. He deserves punishment. May God punish him and punish him hard!

Feelings of Anguish

I have always been an outsider - all my life I was an outsider - no one ever understood my pains, my feelings, my frustrations - but yes, I was always expected and beleived to understand theirs - My Dad expected me to understand his dreams and aspirations so did everybody else - and till today I have been only expected to understand and understand and understand!

My life begins with this quest of understanding others and ends with this quest of understanding others - in the midst of all this, somewhere, sometime I have lost the feeling that even I had a heart and that I also should be understood - but then why should someone understand me? Is there any reason? Nay, there is none.

Someone far away who is important to me, who is my priority had a narrow escape from an accident - I was trying to peel the perfect potato when this happened - I was stunned, shocked and in the melee of this unfortunate incident cut my hand accidentally. But I was so numb with shock and so tense with the knowledge that someone I love is hurt somewhere that I could not even think of it. All I could think of was trying to contact the person and try to find out what her condition was. Blood dripped out of my hands and onto the mobile and from there onto my face but I was too disoriented to even know that it was blood that was colouring my face.

I call consistently but no one picked up the phone and then I received a cryptic message - someone from her family was disoriented and so was first priority and with that I sank! I did not know what to do, what to say, what to feel! All I could feel was that I was more than 2000 km away but my disorientation and my frustration had paled in insignificance compared to someone who was next to her and so I could not even be spoken to; I was expected once again to 'understand' adn fine, 'understand' I did - I do not blame her - Blood is thicker than water and definitely cleaner than my blood which is nothing but coloured water masquerading as blood. I am sorry. I forgot this

But somehow my sense of concern, despite being accorded such a huge slap still makes me tense and I am totally numb - I do not know what I should do; I am totally at sea - I just do not understand - You know ehat as I write to you, the incessant taps of my finger on the keyboard is making my wound surface and my entire keyboard is crimson red - makes us all laugh, doesn't it?

I mean, why should it flow - it's feelings do not carry any conviction, do they?

I often used to think why Lord Voldemort chose hatred over love? Why he consigned himself to a life of hatred when he could have loved, just like Harry Potter - the result lay in what i went through today - the feeling of 'not being wanted' is only established when you are not counted at the time of sad tidings and I learnt it today.

What should I do? I just do not know. The entire day was wasted because someone could disregard the fact that I was waiting to be with her, to listen to her and the evening was destroyed because my disorientation paled when compared to the disorientation to others. I hope my night at least keeps me a little sane.

I am slowly and steadily losing my balance and my suicidal tendencies are increasing - I hope I can control them - by the way, my death will not make a ripple anywhere - people will say - thank God, a headache is gone forever!

It's true that I am a Loner by Choice and not by circumstances but it's also true that my heart still loves and loves well - what to do? I could never forsake love, whatever be the alter

It has been a sad day - a day full of pain and frustration but I think I have learnt something - my love is still not strong enough to show it's pain, it's disorientation, it's frustration and to get an acknowledgment for it's truth.

Well, Blood is always thicker than Water! And Family is after all Family and me - well, I am an outsider! how strange this word seems - how strange - someone how I am too numb to understand the meanings of the connotations of this word today - I need some time off - off on my own

What a strange coincidence - I neither have a Family nor does anyone consider me a family. Satan was never supposed to have a family, was he?

Happy Diwali to everyone - it has definitely been a great Diwali.

In Praise of Someone

What do I say and how do I say?

I say I love her a lot but the truth is my love is not as true and beautiful as I would want it to be . What kind of love is this that I do not understand her aspirations, her pains, her sacrifice, all that she is doing, all that she's going through, she is suffering for my sake while I stand like a spectator watching her sufferings like a shadow unable to support and unable to fight for her (she won't even allow me to do that) - she hurt herself the other day and the first person she sent a sms with the bleeding hand was me! and I - what do I do? I just pressurize her all the time - I hurt her feelings, I refuse to understand her, I force her to listen to me, I insist that she listens to me - that she listens to all that I ask her to do and always want things to be the way I want them.

She has broken up with her friends becasue she cannot tolerate anyone insulting or abusiing me - and I stand here not even able to be with her. She has fought with friedns and family for my sake and stood for me even when outnumbered and outmaneouvered. She suffers silently but does not let me feel the pain. When she came to know I was caught in a curfew in the riots, she cried the whole day, kept running to the TV and in the process fell ill

And to think, I say I LOVE HER - No Lord voldemort, you do not love her even an inch of what she does - she LOVES you and you can never be able to even gauge how much she loves you! Think are you worth her? Think do you know what she is and what you are?

A dog cannot understand the taste of caviar - a man has to be that civilized to understand it - become a man at least, if not a human - at least for the sake of her love - A man who cannot understand love as deep as this is no man - he's a fool and fools do not deserve any respect.

I wish you could understand - what you are to me and how much what you do matters to me - I maybe unable to explain my feelings to you but that does not mean my feelings are false - I am sorry for all the pain that you go through for my sake.

I hope my love is worth all your efforts - sometimes I think you are more that what I deserve - how can a Devil like me deserve an Angel like you?

Thanks for everything - I am sorry - really sorry

Why did you betray me, Daadi Maa?

If you can count your money; you are broke
If you know your value; you will wish you were dead.

I remember these words very well - I wrote them long back - on April 28, 2004 to be precise - then I came to know my professional value - and I built on it strongly.

Today I have been taught my personal value and believe me it pains me as much - To put it in simple words, today I know my value in the eyes of those I love and as expected, it's not more than that of a vagabond on the streets of Bombay. I really wish I was dead before I learnt my value - but then, as I again mentioned in another of my blogs ' Interesting things happen to Interesting People' and who can be more interesting than me - the Devil himself, The Chosen Man, the Man who knew no happiness, the Man born for a life of being discarded forever.....

You know something Daadi Maa, I really feel jealous of you today - it must be a beautiful life after death, no pain, no frustration, nothing! You cheated me Maa, You cheated me - nay, you BETRAYED me!

Why could I have not been the one to drink from the goblet of Death in your place? Why could I have not been the one to leave this world and walk away? Why did you not take me with you? I begged you to take me with you - time and again - I asked you to take me with you but you fooled me and walked away alone -

What was it you told me the last time we spoke - Baabu, the world awaits you - be the fire that lights the new sky, the wind that brings news of a new hope, the sun that brings to Man a new day - and then you went away and took with you the wind that gave me my breath, the sun that gave me my faith and the fire that burnt my ambitions - all that is left is the memory of a setting sun, the breath of death in my heart and the fire of hatred that burns me with every gasp of hope that still remains in my charred heart

You tell me you pray for my happiness - never were worse words full of untruth and falsehood spoken - if you really, really, really wished my happiness, you would have wished for my death and that too a death that would pain me but make those I love happy - I would suffer and they would enjoy, I would cry and they would laugh.

How many times have I asked you for the ultimate relief but you never listened to me - I remember you once slapped me when I prayed for my own death - why? was it not better than what I was forced to silently accept yesterday and today? Could any death be worse than the humiliation of my words?

Tell me, Mom! You used to have an answer for everything - Why are you silent today? What happened to your admonitions?

Dad used to say - never speak to one who refuses to honour your tongue - he jokes, doesn't he? Dad, if I follow that dictum, I will have to cut my tongue for never in my life have my words been given any respect. I am sure even a dog's barking in the silent night carries more weight than my words, my feelings, my emotions!

Long long back, I had said in one of my blogs that Silence of the Lamb is the sanction to it's slaughter; today I would like to add Speech of the Dog is the indicator to it's Value.....

Harchand Meri Quwaat-E-Guftaar Hai Mehbus, 

Khaamosh Magar Tabai-ye-Khuddaara Nahin Hoti

I wish someone would have listened to me.........

Lutf Marne Mein Hai Baaqi, Naa Mazaa Jeene Mein

Kucch Mazaa Hai To Yahi Khoon-E-Jigar Peene Mein

Kitne Be-Taab Hain Jauhar Mere Aainey Mein

Kis Qadr Jalwe Tadapte Hain Mere Seene Mein

Iss Gulistan Mein Magar Dekhne Waale Hi Nahin

Daagh Jo Seene Mein Rakhte Hain Woh Laale Hi Nahin

My favourite story

Satan, yes, the one whose empire I am destined to rule one day once told me an interesting story .... it was a story that I had heard many times and it never failed to move me - but these were the days after my first major defeat - it was after my first brush with life - after my first 'coming to terms' with the 'loss of my innocence' and so it assumed a very different significance in my life......

Strangely, the story that was narrated to me itself was different - it had to be - it was narrated by the greatest and the most miunderstood of all lovers of all times - the story could not have been any less painful than it was......

The Beast was a beast, there was nothing human about him - all he had was power and arrogance, the flush of love and feelings had missed him completely - there was no feeling, no love, no emotions - all he had was hatred for being made a beast, the frustration that comes for being a beast, the fear that rules the instincts of a beast, the anger that governs the tumultous pain of a beastly heart and the arrogance that comes from the power of life and death that's a given to this creature.....

But despite all this, he still had a heart - a heart that still beat somewhere, a heart that pained somewhere, a heart that cried at times - a loneliness that gnawed at him till it became a part of him, a silence that was natural to his eyes, a grimace of pain that was his hidden emotion in laughter...... he longed for those light moments that could be anyone's destiny except his... he looked at people and their happiness and failed to understand it until.....

Until that one fateful day, when that most lowly of adversaries - that one emotion that creates havoc with perfectly normal lives introduced himself - in the form of a trader who had lost everything. The Beast cared for him and took care of him but man, the most ungrateful and most cunning and parasitic of all forms of life did what is symptomatic of what men do - he despite strict rules to the contrary and plucked a flower from the garden - a garden that the Beast valued a lot and loved a lot and there were strict instructions that no living being, man or animal, human or devil was supposed to pluck any weed or tree from that garden.

The Beast was naturally non-plussed and soon his amazement grew into anger as he understood that Man had yet again betrayed him. He would have killed the man in cold rage but again Mercy surfaced and that most slimy of emotions ensured that the Man was saved. However, Man promised the Beast that he would send one of his daughters as prisoner in exchange of his saved life. The Beast told him that if that did not happen, he would die in 3 days and so would his family and none would be able to save him.

Man sent his youngest daughter, the most lovable of all, the most innocent of all, the most trueful of all, the most faithful of all - one whose innocence was still not lost while that of her elder sisters was lost and they would not trade their happiness for a prison - but mindful of her duties as a daughter, the youngest moved in with the Beast for a life in the prison.

The Beast was glad to get a companion like that Beauty. He had never seen innocence in Mankind and her innocence reminded him of his days when his heart was true. Slowly and steadily they fell in love and the Beast became more humane as time went on. The Beauty taught him humane values of compassion, love, mercy and peace - things the Beast's heart ringed with pain and betrayal had forgotten.

Time passed by and then one day the Beast saw the Beauty crying for her parents. She had not met them in years and although the Beast took care of them and kept them happy, he would not allow her to meet them. But that day, th Beauty railed against th Beast and accused her of keeping her with him on the strength of force and force only.

The Beast was pained and let her go. Before leaving, he gave her a ring and told her that if she did not return within 15 days, the Beast would die. The Beauty went away, assuring him of her truth

She met her family and they, who had thrown her to the gallows, for their own safety suddenly were more courteous this time around. They loved her more, they cared for her more and they cuddeld her more. They would use cunning, the great art that only a human can master to subtely drive home the point that the Beauty possessed in her hands the key to the family's happiness and that they should kill the Beast and that she should never return to the Beast. Suddenly, the family that that sacrificed her to the Bast remembered their social obligations and talks were on for her marriage.

Time passed. 15 days passed, 1 month paid... Beauty forgot all about the Beast and then suddenly one day as she looked at the hypocrisy of the world around her, she remembered the only creature that had loved her truely. She was filled with remorse and she hastened back to meet him.

But she was too late. The Beast was dying and she reached him only quick enough to see him die. Thus ended the story.

I looked at Satan and told him this was shocking. Why did the Beast have to do this?

Satan put him hands around me and said,"That's love"

And then he told me:

Khuda Tujhko Kisi Toofan Se Aashna Kar De;
Teri Bahar Ki Maujon Mein Iztiraab Nahin Hai

This is my favourite story - whenever I performed this role - I always played the Beast and I always managed to win an award

Maybe the Beast could relate to it in a more perfect manner than any other......

Remember Beauty and the Beast ..... I am the Beast!

Feelings of my heart

My friends often say that the greatest gift that God has given me is the Gift of the Gab - the gift to articulate my feelings, the gift to reason out my emotions, the gift to explain my opinion, the gift to influence friends and defeat enemies. I do not believe this is the case but I do agree that at times, the learning I have articulated at the feet of my brilliant teachers has often helped me in my pursuit of my ambitions.

Personal life, though is a different matter altogether. Till today, I have never been able to explain or articulate my feelings to those whom I love - often ending in mis-communicating some other point or getting frustrated by my own incapabilites

One thing that I have always failed to explain is my feelings.... and where could this be truer that with the one I love the most.

I understand everything; the pain, the trials, the tribulations, everything - what her heart suffers, what she feels, how her tears remain hidden just behind her lashes - I am not a fool to not understand that - but it pains me, it pains me everytime she tries to clarify points, every time she points out that this may not end the way we want to - that it would all be over anytime in the most disastrous way possible. She tries to clarify that she has informed me and every step I take is at my own peril and that I should not blame her at a later juncture.

Why? Why? Why?

Who asked me to love you? Did You? No! It was my decision!

Did I not know your pains then? Yes, I did! It was my decision!

Have I ever blamed you for anything? No, Never! It is my decision!

Are you responsible for my falling in love with you? No, Never! It is my decision!

How many times should I say, how many times should I reiterate? how many times should I state that your accepting to love me is the greatest favour one could have ever bestowed on one who never found love in all his life.

Why do you keep repeating these points? Have I ever asked you for anything? Why do you keep repeating this mantra? Have I ever tried to emotionally blackmail you into my view point? I have always tried to be your strength - always hid my tears so that you may not cry - always pushed back my tears so that I could drink yours - I have always been one to hid my pains and frustrations so that you do not feel the pain of it..... Why then, this attempt of clearing your own side? When did I blame you for anything? Why should I blame you for anything? Ridiculous!

It's my fortune that you deigned to accept me - it was my fortune that you considered me worth your love - where have I asked you for commitment - Yes, I am committed and I refuse to give away my commitment!

Tum Sochegi Kyoon Itna, Main Tumse Pyaar Karoon?

Tum Samjhogi Deewana, Main Bhi Iqraar Karoon

Deewaanon Ki Ye Baatein Deewaane Jaante Hain

Jalne Mein Kya Mazaa Hai Parwaane Jaante Hain

There are people in this world who have found love and let it go, there are people who have got pure faith and trust and let it all be destroyed, there are people in this world who have destroyed hearts and hearths and then there are people who have played with love as if it was the latest fashion

I pain everytime I am unable to win her trust - I despair everytime I feel that I cannot get her complete trust - I feel at sea whenever my heart tells me that whatever maybe my level to commitment, my love will never trust me completely. What do I do? I have done everything I can but still that child-like trust that love creates evades me 

I am not among them - maybe because I never got love, maybe because love never felt me worth it's gaze and why should it? I am no Narcissus in my appearance, no Solomon in my wisdom, no Jamshed in my riches and no Nimrod in my powers - neither do I possess the strength of a Samson nor am I as attractive as Casanova - nor do I have a family that rivals the Mughals nor do I have the faith that a Ali possesses

Nor am I like Buddha in my learnings not do I have the compassionate heart of the great Jesus..... I am evil, I am bad, I am the worst creature on the face of Earth..... but I do have a heart

The heart may be dark but it knows the way to love - the heart I have may not equal even the worst of the worst but it has it's own feelings - it's own emotions, it's own pains

Why should it not be pained if someone does not understand that I am not asking you for anything - I have committed everything to you but that does not mean that you need to reciprocate it

My love is the love of Satan for God - it does not ask for reciprocation - it only does what it deems is correct

Jaane Woh Kaise Log Thhe Jinke Pyaar Ko Pyaar Mila

Hum Ne To Jab Kaiyaan Maangi, Kaanton Kaa Haar Mila

I love you - I wish you could understand that

Love and Lord Voldemort

Love is not an easy task; it's a task that demands a hefty price. Not all can pay the price, not all can accept the challenge

It's not easy for me to accept that maybe my love is not at all capable but if Trust be told, well, it has to be told - my love is not capable of being called love!

Is my Love, what Love is all about? Is this the way one Loves? By hurting the one, one loves? By bringing pain to the one, one lovs? By shouting at the one, one loves? By trating with disdain and no respect, the one that one loves?

If this be love, indeed then Love is not worth me or I am not worth Love

Love means looking at one not from one's prespective but from the other's perspective - Love means understanding the one, one confesses to love - Love means being able to understand the pains and frustrations of the beloved - Love means suffering pain if it can bring a smile to the beloved's face

But then - who am I to love? Does Lod Voldemort love?

A letter to Grandmom

Daadi Amma,

How are you today? Are you a little free? I just wanted to speak to you

It has been so long since we spoke - no, I do not blame you! you have often called me for a talk - it's my cowardice that does allow me to either leave everything and come to you or my shamefulness that does not allow me to face you.

What do I face you with and how can I face you? A man who can not inspire trust in the person he loves what does he deserve from this world. I have impored, begged and requested but have always failed to prove my love, my loyalty and my faith.

Dil Ki Ye Hasrat Hai Tere Paas Main Aaoon
Jo Gir Gayeen Hai Aisi Nigaah Kaise Milaaon
Naqaam Hoon, Badnaam Hoon,
Kya Mujh Mein Bhala Hai!

There is nothing left for me to do - I am at my wits end - Today's Eid has given me pain that's beyond my courage to bear - but it's okay - Pain is my inheritance, Tears my property

Daadi Maa, Can you help me please? - Either give me the power to prove my loyalty or give me the courage to end my life - I am tired of this existence

Tang Aa Chuke Hain Kashmakash-E-Zindagi Se Hum
Thukraa Naa Den Jahaan Ko Kahin Be-Dilli Se Hum
Lo Aaj Hum Ne Chhodd Diya Rishtaa-E-Ummeed
Lo Ab Kabhi Gilla Naa Karenge Kissi Se Hum

Your Loving Grandson,

The Last Devil

Qaid-E-Mausam Mein Rahi Tabiyat Aazaad Uski
Kaash! Gulshan Mein Samajhta Koi Faryaad Uski

The Colour of My Money

I remember those days of my childhood - carefree, innocent and sweet ..... days would be spent laughing away beyond the blue sky, running on hot concrete roads or lying down in the shades of green glades or with some engaging books curled up next to my bosom while I read one or two of them and the nights, they would be spent listening to songs and stories from that face of serene love, that face of everlasting true affection that I was fortunate enough to see for few moons in my life - my sweet Daadi Maa

I remember that Dadaji who had long since stopped working by then would still at times do some odd jobs and earn some money and with that money they would buy Daadi Maa small nothings - Daadi Maa would be so pleased that day and I would get an additional helping of sweets. I would secretly wish for more such days and once in my innocence I admonished Dadaji for not working regularly. I think that was the only day I got thrashed by everyone - Daddy, Bade Chaacha, Chote Chaacha and even Daadi Maa - I could not believe it but yes, that's true.

I still remember how Daadi Maa would give me her share of sweets and the pleasure she would get while sharing it with me.

All this and so much more I saw in my early days. In my early days, when Dad used to understand me, I could feel the pleasure he used to get by buying me toys that were much beyond his measure. His brow would be knitted with tensions but once he saw me smiling, he would smile - that sweet smile that died out with my reaching 10 years of age! Sometimes I wish I could have forever remained young but then......

I remember those sharings, the happinesses it brought and how I would feel that one day I would grow up and work hard and bring home money and goods and make them all happy....

I do work hard, I do bring money, lot more than what my parents and grandparents saw in their entire life but there is no one to share with ... there is no one to present it with ... there is not one to splurge it on..... All's gone and I remain... a grim reminder of a life gone awry....

Dekha Kiye Tujhe Hum Banke Deewana
Utra Jo Nasha To Humne Ye Jaana
Saare Woh Zindagi Ke Sahaare Chale Gaye

And frankly speaking I deserve it - the money I earn after spending so much time, investing so much efforts and at the cost of my health and happiness is not even worth the paper on which it is printed.... even shit I think has a better value than my hard-earned money... the money that I earn is an 'untouchable'... it does not possess the elixir of happiness, the pride of support, the love of selflessness .... it's cold to touch, cold to the heart and cold to the brain.....

No one wants it - no one desires it - the common refrain is "I do not want your money" ... Of course not, why would anyone, want shit money?

A perfume bought with my money does not smell well, a dress bought with my money is given off as alms, a gift made with my money is not acceptable - others can spend money for relapsed connections and are appreciated for it - my money is treated like a pariah.....

What use is this money than and why am I spending my time earning it?

No one wants it, no one cares for it - it's not good money - it's dirty money, gutter money, shit money ..... and what am I? Of course Satan - how can Satan's money be good money.

Will my money ever have the power to wipe off her tears? Will my money ever be of any use to her? You joke, Clown, your money is fit to be lughed at, not fit to be used.

Remember the way Karna was insulted always by being reminded that he was a 'Sut Putra' - Similarly, you my dear friend are for this world a Sut Putra and your money 'Sut Dhan'

Everyone was shocked when I took out 10K from the bank and gave it all away to those small children today afternoon - they thought I was out of my mind - I can only smile at them for they know not how money has pained me.Yesterday it pained me by making me dependant on others, who would not let go of a moment reminding me of my me penury; today it has pained me by showing that no one in this world cares or is interested in my money

I have lost again to money and this time the pain is substaintial

I hope at least those children find some peace in my shit money - I do not see any human ever finding any happiness in my money.... how can they? It's the most depraved, degraded and disgusting of all money

After all, no one ever entered into a gutter to redeem dollars, did they?

I have checked the colour of my money and it's really disgusting - it's gutter black with shit yellow.

I hope my tears also are not of the same colour though.