Personal life, though is a different matter altogether. Till today, I have never been able to explain or articulate my feelings to those whom I love - often ending in mis-communicating some other point or getting frustrated by my own incapabilites
One thing that I have always failed to explain is my feelings.... and where could this be truer that with the one I love the most.
I understand everything; the pain, the trials, the tribulations, everything - what her heart suffers, what she feels, how her tears remain hidden just behind her lashes - I am not a fool to not understand that - but it pains me, it pains me everytime she tries to clarify points, every time she points out that this may not end the way we want to - that it would all be over anytime in the most disastrous way possible. She tries to clarify that she has informed me and every step I take is at my own peril and that I should not blame her at a later juncture.
Why? Why? Why?
Who asked me to love you? Did You? No! It was my decision!
Did I not know your pains then? Yes, I did! It was my decision!
Have I ever blamed you for anything? No, Never! It is my decision!
Are you responsible for my falling in love with you? No, Never! It is my decision!
How many times should I say, how many times should I reiterate? how many times should I state that your accepting to love me is the greatest favour one could have ever bestowed on one who never found love in all his life.
Why do you keep repeating these points? Have I ever asked you for anything? Why do you keep repeating this mantra? Have I ever tried to emotionally blackmail you into my view point? I have always tried to be your strength - always hid my tears so that you may not cry - always pushed back my tears so that I could drink yours - I have always been one to hid my pains and frustrations so that you do not feel the pain of it..... Why then, this attempt of clearing your own side? When did I blame you for anything? Why should I blame you for anything? Ridiculous!
It's my fortune that you deigned to accept me - it was my fortune that you considered me worth your love - where have I asked you for commitment - Yes, I am committed and I refuse to give away my commitment!
Tum Sochegi Kyoon Itna, Main Tumse Pyaar Karoon?
Tum Samjhogi Deewana, Main Bhi Iqraar Karoon
Deewaanon Ki Ye Baatein Deewaane Jaante Hain
Jalne Mein Kya Mazaa Hai Parwaane Jaante HainThere are people in this world who have found love and let it go, there are people who have got pure faith and trust and let it all be destroyed, there are people in this world who have destroyed hearts and hearths and then there are people who have played with love as if it was the latest fashion
I pain everytime I am unable to win her trust - I despair everytime I feel that I cannot get her complete trust - I feel at sea whenever my heart tells me that whatever maybe my level to commitment, my love will never trust me completely. What do I do? I have done everything I can but still that child-like trust that love creates evades me
I am not among them - maybe because I never got love, maybe because love never felt me worth it's gaze and why should it? I am no Narcissus in my appearance, no Solomon in my wisdom, no Jamshed in my riches and no Nimrod in my powers - neither do I possess the strength of a Samson nor am I as attractive as Casanova - nor do I have a family that rivals the Mughals nor do I have the faith that a Ali possesses
Nor am I like Buddha in my learnings not do I have the compassionate heart of the great Jesus..... I am evil, I am bad, I am the worst creature on the face of Earth..... but I do have a heart
The heart may be dark but it knows the way to love - the heart I have may not equal even the worst of the worst but it has it's own feelings - it's own emotions, it's own pains
Why should it not be pained if someone does not understand that I am not asking you for anything - I have committed everything to you but that does not mean that you need to reciprocate it
My love is the love of Satan for God - it does not ask for reciprocation - it only does what it deems is correct
Jaane Woh Kaise Log Thhe Jinke Pyaar Ko Pyaar Mila
Hum Ne To Jab Kaiyaan Maangi, Kaanton Kaa Haar Mila
I love you - I wish you could understand that
4 comments:
1) Loving someone is not doing a favour on the one you love, but its a fortune for the one who loves, cos he/she has got someone in life, worth loving & so fortunate to accept that person.
2)Give her some time,may be cos she has come across people who breaches the purest faith... and is left not strong enough to trust like a child again.
Time has created this inability to trust in her - and only TIME cab heal the wound to be strong once again.
3)And my dear Sir, If its Love, it will never look for a Narcissus, or Solomon..Nimrod or Casanova... the one that looks for these is a "Bargain" for the need to satisfy one's false vanity of status & showing up to the society.
4) Love only looks for a heart that can love like the Beast or the Satan you have mentioned in your blog.
And A HEART THAT CAN LOVE , THAT CAN FEEL IS NEVER DARK . NEVER SAY THIS AGAIN.
The 'Anonymous' [:)] has comfortably gotten it wrong yet again. Think on it... There is nothing that quenches itself with darkness like a heart that can love and feel. Even at the heights of intoxicated love, the heart smiles to itself thinking and wondering how hard the lashes would be this time. It is dark. Very dark indeed :)
Why don't you respect yourself ? Why do you say you are bad, you are evil, you are worst ? Why ? Why do you think so ?
I wonder, when people around you realize your goodness so dearly, and so often, do you really not realize how good you are ?
Show me someone who has the ability to reveal his emotions stark bare & frame them into words as you have? Most of us hide our emotions from the world,cos we lack the child like purity to cry aloud in front of the world.
Your purity unravels through your blogs. How can't you see that ?
and @ "Infatuated with life"...
I think, by mentioning "dark heart" .. the author has referred to a heart thats evil,bad and worse...
as he said in the lines,
"I am evil, I am bad, I am the worst creature on the face of Earth..... but I do have a heart
The heart may be dark but it knows the way to love - "...
And so I commented, A HEART THAT CAN LOVE SO MUCH CAN NEVER BE DARK... IT CAN NEVER BE EVIL, BAD OR WORSE.
I am not "comfortably mistaken" :)
I have taken absolutely right in the way I have perceived his
words :)
Regards
Call me arrogant, call me stupid... but i can only lie back and smile to myself. Someone is Enjoying. :)
Post a Comment