If you know your value; you will wish you were dead.
I remember these words very well - I wrote them long back - on April 28, 2004 to be precise - then I came to know my professional value - and I built on it strongly.
Today I have been taught my personal value and believe me it pains me as much - To put it in simple words, today I know my value in the eyes of those I love and as expected, it's not more than that of a vagabond on the streets of Bombay. I really wish I was dead before I learnt my value - but then, as I again mentioned in another of my blogs ' Interesting things happen to Interesting People' and who can be more interesting than me - the Devil himself, The Chosen Man, the Man who knew no happiness, the Man born for a life of being discarded forever.....
You know something Daadi Maa, I really feel jealous of you today - it must be a beautiful life after death, no pain, no frustration, nothing! You cheated me Maa, You cheated me - nay, you BETRAYED me!
Why could I have not been the one to drink from the goblet of Death in your place? Why could I have not been the one to leave this world and walk away? Why did you not take me with you? I begged you to take me with you - time and again - I asked you to take me with you but you fooled me and walked away alone -
What was it you told me the last time we spoke - Baabu, the world awaits you - be the fire that lights the new sky, the wind that brings news of a new hope, the sun that brings to Man a new day - and then you went away and took with you the wind that gave me my breath, the sun that gave me my faith and the fire that burnt my ambitions - all that is left is the memory of a setting sun, the breath of death in my heart and the fire of hatred that burns me with every gasp of hope that still remains in my charred heart
You tell me you pray for my happiness - never were worse words full of untruth and falsehood spoken - if you really, really, really wished my happiness, you would have wished for my death and that too a death that would pain me but make those I love happy - I would suffer and they would enjoy, I would cry and they would laugh.
How many times have I asked you for the ultimate relief but you never listened to me - I remember you once slapped me when I prayed for my own death - why? was it not better than what I was forced to silently accept yesterday and today? Could any death be worse than the humiliation of my words?
Tell me, Mom! You used to have an answer for everything - Why are you silent today? What happened to your admonitions?
Dad used to say - never speak to one who refuses to honour your tongue - he jokes, doesn't he? Dad, if I follow that dictum, I will have to cut my tongue for never in my life have my words been given any respect. I am sure even a dog's barking in the silent night carries more weight than my words, my feelings, my emotions!
Long long back, I had said in one of my blogs that Silence of the Lamb is the sanction to it's slaughter; today I would like to add Speech of the Dog is the indicator to it's Value.....
Harchand Meri Quwaat-E-Guftaar Hai Mehbus,
Khaamosh Magar Tabai-ye-Khuddaara Nahin Hoti
I wish someone would have listened to me.........
Lutf Marne Mein Hai Baaqi, Naa Mazaa Jeene Mein
Kucch Mazaa Hai To Yahi Khoon-E-Jigar Peene Mein
Kitne Be-Taab Hain Jauhar Mere Aainey Mein
Kis Qadr Jalwe Tadapte Hain Mere Seene Mein
Iss Gulistan Mein Magar Dekhne Waale Hi Nahin
Daagh Jo Seene Mein Rakhte Hain Woh Laale Hi Nahin
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