Someone asked me if I have ever had a heartbreak .... now that's what I call an interesting question!So .... have I ever been heartbroken?
Strange question - my heart breaks down so often, I am now thinking whether it can qualify as a heart itself and not as a pump that's more than 4 centuries old....
To be fair to everyone involved, I do not know whether I have ever been heartbroken because that implies having a heart that can break - I have been dumped (many times); I have been used (again many times); I have been hurt (many, many times) but I do not remember having being heartbroken - maybe because my heart was never considered worth being a heart itself.
Like a clown, my heart has always been one that brings a smile on faces; it's own pain is always hidden from all
Main Apna Fasaana Keh Naa Saka,
Mere Dil Ki Tammanaa Dil Mein Rahi
Lo Aaj Kinaaron Par Aakar,
Armaanon Ki Kashti Doob Gayi
That's the fate of all clowns; always.....
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Friday, 14 November 2008
Remembering a Friend
Where are you, my friend?
I could not walk even 2 paces without you and fell down heavily, face down on the ground. Had it been like yesterday, you would have been around to take care of me - but brother, how long will you take care of me? how long will you be my silent support? how long will you continue to give me dreams that someday things would be alright?
Nothing is ever going to be alright -nothing absolutely - I am very lonely and this time around Ican't even call you - Thrice I tried to call you and thrice I remembered your last words to me - that I would never call you in any pain or suffering - that you had, had enough of me and why not, after all you were my closest friend for so long - but even you left me - yes, I know you will say that I did not leave you any choice - fair enough - I never leave anyone any choice, I did not leave her any chouice too - did I?
And so again, I am back to the starting point from where I started - defeated, brutalized but still okay. You know what, I had a minor attack and baby got tense - Well, she has lost her parents, she obviously fears death a lot - but see, nothing happened to me.
Don't worry - I can take care of myself - you left me - over a childish feud but you know what, I won't forgive you for this - you created a kind of bogey in me - a bogey that I shared with her and lost her forever - I never had agreed to your assertion but somehow my words gave that kind of a meaning to my words and I stand alone on the streets of life thanks to that.
No, she is not like others and she did not walk out. I did - because one should not put pain in someone's life - my love had become a festering sore in her life and I am really ashamed of that - But you my brother knew me well - why did you go away?
I wish I could speak to Father today - I would ask him - You told me that I was not made for love (thanks for that) but wouldn't it have been better had you told me why? I would have not lost osmeone so precious today
I can't even ask you to come back brother; maybe this is my destiny - lonely life and lonely death
I could not walk even 2 paces without you and fell down heavily, face down on the ground. Had it been like yesterday, you would have been around to take care of me - but brother, how long will you take care of me? how long will you be my silent support? how long will you continue to give me dreams that someday things would be alright?
Nothing is ever going to be alright -nothing absolutely - I am very lonely and this time around Ican't even call you - Thrice I tried to call you and thrice I remembered your last words to me - that I would never call you in any pain or suffering - that you had, had enough of me and why not, after all you were my closest friend for so long - but even you left me - yes, I know you will say that I did not leave you any choice - fair enough - I never leave anyone any choice, I did not leave her any chouice too - did I?
And so again, I am back to the starting point from where I started - defeated, brutalized but still okay. You know what, I had a minor attack and baby got tense - Well, she has lost her parents, she obviously fears death a lot - but see, nothing happened to me.
Don't worry - I can take care of myself - you left me - over a childish feud but you know what, I won't forgive you for this - you created a kind of bogey in me - a bogey that I shared with her and lost her forever - I never had agreed to your assertion but somehow my words gave that kind of a meaning to my words and I stand alone on the streets of life thanks to that.
No, she is not like others and she did not walk out. I did - because one should not put pain in someone's life - my love had become a festering sore in her life and I am really ashamed of that - But you my brother knew me well - why did you go away?
I wish I could speak to Father today - I would ask him - You told me that I was not made for love (thanks for that) but wouldn't it have been better had you told me why? I would have not lost osmeone so precious today
I can't even ask you to come back brother; maybe this is my destiny - lonely life and lonely death
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Farewell to a Friend R I P
We used to be the best of friends - you and I and everyone else used to marvel at us - admire our friendship - be impressed with it - people used to give examples of our friendship - call it a brotherhood fashioned in heaven and lived out on Earth
Do you remember the trying times we went through? Do you remember the pains and frustrations we faced?
I still remember everything - how can I forget? You were the one who had faith on me long before anybody knew what I was worth! You were the one who stood up for me when the entire world ganged up against me. You were the one who had faith in me - nay 'Blind Faith' in me when all the world only considered me a lost, defeated soul.. It was you who kept me company when I was betrayed for th first time - It was you who understood the pain of my losing in love again and again
I remember the way you stood up for me and fought those who made fun of me. You used to go to pains to explain everyone that I was different. You were younger to me but you displayed a sort of support that only an elder brother could have given me - I remember how I once shouted at you but you still maintained your calm and at the end, as usual, you were the one who was right!
Do you remember that day when Rudolph, Sydney and Melvyn and the team (I think they were about 30 guys there, waiting for me in the compound) challenged me for a fight - do you remember me walking down alone to face all 30 of them - I would have been massacred that day, had you not saved me from my own temper that day - on that day, when all were standing with cycle chains, hockey sticks and rods, you were the one who silently bore my punches but despite my severe anguish took me away from there - You were the reason I survived, otherwise my warrior blood would have either killed or got killed that day
But today, even you do not understand me!
You ask me when have I stood for you?
Who got stabbed while fighting for you; do you remember that face? Who was thrashed by your girlfriend's parents when you took her away for a day out? Do you remember the guy who put up his hand and took the blame of pinching that gorgeous girl's bottom (which you had done, by the way) and in the process became a lout in the eyes of all who appreciated him?
I will never say this on your face because I do not believe in speaking about what I have done it; I consider it disgusting and below my dignity but it really pained me to hear all this and why did I have to hear all this - just because I told you that I will never force someone to take those steps that you want us to take!
I never said anything when you christened me Mr. Whispers, did I? When you said that girls use me like a sanitary napkin every month and then move on, I did not say a word, did I? When have I questioned your practicality or any other point?
When have I ever said anything against you? Did I not stand up and fight for you even when you were wrong?
I am sorry but that's true
Do you remember the trying times we went through? Do you remember the pains and frustrations we faced?
I still remember everything - how can I forget? You were the one who had faith on me long before anybody knew what I was worth! You were the one who stood up for me when the entire world ganged up against me. You were the one who had faith in me - nay 'Blind Faith' in me when all the world only considered me a lost, defeated soul.. It was you who kept me company when I was betrayed for th first time - It was you who understood the pain of my losing in love again and again
I remember the way you stood up for me and fought those who made fun of me. You used to go to pains to explain everyone that I was different. You were younger to me but you displayed a sort of support that only an elder brother could have given me - I remember how I once shouted at you but you still maintained your calm and at the end, as usual, you were the one who was right!
Do you remember that day when Rudolph, Sydney and Melvyn and the team (I think they were about 30 guys there, waiting for me in the compound) challenged me for a fight - do you remember me walking down alone to face all 30 of them - I would have been massacred that day, had you not saved me from my own temper that day - on that day, when all were standing with cycle chains, hockey sticks and rods, you were the one who silently bore my punches but despite my severe anguish took me away from there - You were the reason I survived, otherwise my warrior blood would have either killed or got killed that day
But today, even you do not understand me!
You ask me when have I stood for you?
Who got stabbed while fighting for you; do you remember that face? Who was thrashed by your girlfriend's parents when you took her away for a day out? Do you remember the guy who put up his hand and took the blame of pinching that gorgeous girl's bottom (which you had done, by the way) and in the process became a lout in the eyes of all who appreciated him?
I will never say this on your face because I do not believe in speaking about what I have done it; I consider it disgusting and below my dignity but it really pained me to hear all this and why did I have to hear all this - just because I told you that I will never force someone to take those steps that you want us to take!
I never said anything when you christened me Mr. Whispers, did I? When you said that girls use me like a sanitary napkin every month and then move on, I did not say a word, did I? When have I questioned your practicality or any other point?
When have I ever said anything against you? Did I not stand up and fight for you even when you were wrong?
Qayamat Se Kam Yaar Ye Ghum NahinWish you all happiness - I am your friend, your brother and I will always wait for you - I am always there if you need me and yes, you have rights over me but not over the one you want me to force to listen to your words
Tu Aur Main Rahe Gaye Hum Nahin
Mera Dost Mujhse Juda Ho Gaya
Suna Hai Ki Tu Be-Wafaa Ho Gayaa
I am sorry but that's true
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Return to Loneliness
What has happened tonight? What went so terribly wrong? What did I do? What was that crime of mine thatI have been awarded this sentence? Did I do something wrong? Am I misunderstanding?
There are so many similar questions that are running through my mind and I am not sure what is the reply to a single one of them..... I am lost, totally and completely lost
I am feeling very lonely as if I have lost everything precious in my life and there is nothing that remains mine any longer. I do not know why but after what happened tonight / today morning I am feeling lost..... It never happened before that I was asked to call at an awkward time, a time when it would be impossible for me to share niceties - a time when I would be in office and would be at a loss to conform to what is my heart's desires. It's not as if my counterpart is unaware about the impossibility of the situation but still I have been asked to do so. Is she alright? Is she fine? I just do not know!
Why? I just do not know.
I am not sure whether this morning is a watershed in my life and that all that happened today morning was genuine or whether it is a clear indication of my losing out on the most important part of my life - nay, the only important part of my life - because without this, there is nothing in my life that means for or stands for anything.
It has never happened before - under the toughest of circumstances and under the most difficult of times, it has never happened before - what happened today has seared me and sent a shock-wave all through me.
It's all my fault! I always try to dictate terms - I have really become what I dreaded most - a Loner -yet once again
I hope everything is fine
There are so many similar questions that are running through my mind and I am not sure what is the reply to a single one of them..... I am lost, totally and completely lost
I am feeling very lonely as if I have lost everything precious in my life and there is nothing that remains mine any longer. I do not know why but after what happened tonight / today morning I am feeling lost..... It never happened before that I was asked to call at an awkward time, a time when it would be impossible for me to share niceties - a time when I would be in office and would be at a loss to conform to what is my heart's desires. It's not as if my counterpart is unaware about the impossibility of the situation but still I have been asked to do so. Is she alright? Is she fine? I just do not know!
Why? I just do not know.
I am not sure whether this morning is a watershed in my life and that all that happened today morning was genuine or whether it is a clear indication of my losing out on the most important part of my life - nay, the only important part of my life - because without this, there is nothing in my life that means for or stands for anything.
It has never happened before - under the toughest of circumstances and under the most difficult of times, it has never happened before - what happened today has seared me and sent a shock-wave all through me.
It's all my fault! I always try to dictate terms - I have really become what I dreaded most - a Loner -yet once again
Apne Mein Rahe Yaa Gairon MeinIt's high time I stop being so dominating and become a little more accomodating - it's high time I stop hurting others who love me - Enough is Enough and let this be clear to me
Ghunghroo Ki Jagah To Hai Paairon Mein
I hope everything is fine
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