Return to Loneliness

What has happened tonight? What went so terribly wrong? What did I do? What was that crime of mine thatI have been awarded this sentence? Did I do something wrong? Am I misunderstanding?

There are so many similar questions that are running through my mind and I am not sure what is the reply to a single one of them..... I am lost, totally and completely lost

I am feeling very lonely as if I have lost everything precious in my life and there is nothing that remains mine any longer. I do not know why but after what happened tonight / today morning I am feeling lost..... It never happened before that I was asked to call at an awkward time, a time when it would be impossible for me to share niceties - a time when I would be in office and would be at a loss to conform to what is my heart's desires. It's not as if my counterpart is unaware about the impossibility of the situation but still I have been asked to do so. Is she alright? Is she fine? I just do not know!

Why? I just do not know.

I am not sure whether this morning is a watershed in my life and that all that happened today morning was genuine or whether it is a clear indication of my losing out on the most important part of my life - nay, the only important part of my life - because without this, there is nothing in my life that means for or stands for anything.

It has never happened before - under the toughest of circumstances and under the most difficult of times, it has never happened before - what happened today has seared me and sent a shock-wave all through me.

It's all my fault! I always try to dictate terms - I have really become what I dreaded most - a Loner -yet once again

Apne Mein Rahe Yaa Gairon Mein
Ghunghroo Ki Jagah To Hai Paairon Mein

It's high time I stop being so dominating and become a little more accomodating - it's high time I stop hurting others who love me - Enough is Enough and let this be clear to me

I hope everything is fine