Another night spent awake

It's 5:10 AM and I am still awake..... Just cannot sleep. Wish there was some way to reclaim my life from my own iron-clad rules..... Just need some peace, some light at the end of this tunnel..... some way to forget my past, some way to look forth .....

What should I do?

It's 4:18 AM and there is no sleep in my eyes. Not that I wish to complain nor do I wish to blame anyone for the same. This is my life and I chose it this way.

I never regret anything in my life - there are a few things but those were not often in my hands; but today I regret that I told her I would never contact her till she contacts me; I had no option - she was of the opinion that I would keep on disturbing her;; I had to build up her faith .... In the best part of our life together, I was her Strength; how could I be her Weakness in such a time when she was leaving me? Hadn't I hurt her so much more by my comments and statements. though they were all hot airbags and not meant for serious consumptions?

Today, I have my own promise to burn me up.... What should I do? I cannot even contact her, can't text her, can't mail her, can't call her ... even though when I am in the same city, at times, I cannot even go and meet her.... Never knew my own Commitment would punish me so severely. Just wanted to tell her that I am waiting for her forever, if she would ever want to come back (not that I expect her to come back - but to be frank, I still believe in God that she would one day)

I wish there was some way to contact her and tell her that I would wait for her forever ... that I would love her forever, with the same commitment, attachment and unconditional fervour that used to be always there .... Sadly, there is none.... I can only interact with her if she desires to; I can never initiate the talks in any way.... nor do I have any avenue or third-party contact that I can use to send across my message.

God.... why do you test me so ruthlessly? I have not lost my temper since last so many months but what's the use? ... I wish this change would have come 6 months ago ... I would not be wringing my hands in despair and frustration


Love has set me on a Test and I am writing it with Tears, Sweat, Blood and Life-Force! What else can I do?

A Feeling

Someone falls to pieces, Sleepin all alone
Someone kills the pain, Spinning in the silence to finally drift away
Someone gets excited In a chapel yard, Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen White roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love Until the end of time;
Another runs away

Separate or united? Healthy or insane?

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Kolkata in September 2010

Everthing has changed ... nothing is the same.....

This is the same Kolkata but nothing is the same anymore. Nothing inspires me any more .... the same places now do not have any charm nor any feeling of belonging

One more day of these pains, these sufferings and I will be back in my isolation, laughing even when I don't feel like, dancing even when I don't feel like..... but my commitments are made of steel, nothing changes it; to the last breath of my life, irrespective of my pains, irrespective of my sufferings, I will be here ..... I promised to be here and here I will be

And till then, these evenings will continue ..... let her have her best times with the new relationships, I will accept it as a punishment for my sins and continue as I am destined to .... After all, this is my Destiny.

Dil Ko Teri Hi Tammanna, Dil Ko Hai Tujhse Hi Pyaar
Chaahe Tu Aaye Naa Aaye, Hum Karenge Intezaar

Remember the Beauty and the Beast, I am the Beast   

Committed Till I Die

There are two facets to Love - the first is Commitment and the second is Attachment ... One without the other is useless; you commit because you feel attached.... but you do not attach because you commit - hence Commitment is the more important facet of Love - the one facet that determines Love.... And Commitment does not end even if the one you love stops loving you and leaves you in the middle of the road - alone and broken, helpless and defeated, for better prospects and better people; Commitment does not depend on Circumstances; it does not end because of undue pressure or total Frustration ....

Commitment doesn't end even if the one you love, finds solace in the arms of another, double-times you or leaves you for another .... Commitment is like a Contract that you sign with the blood of your heart and it is a contract of duties; not a contract of rights - so even if the one you love, fails to honour it, it has to be honoured - to the last breath, to the final drop and even beyond, if possible.....

I know it's all over ... Trust me, I do not expect any new turns and twists in the story ... but the fact of the story is that my commitment shall continue till I have even one iota of life in me ..... Ishita keeps telling me a lot of stuff, of the hotel where they meet and the time they spend together, making love and all that stuff, and even after telling her repeatedly that I am not interested in knowing the stuff, she keeps telling me - Today I lost my cool on her, but I just could not let someone say all that stuff about the girl who really matters to me, even though I no longer do to her .... It does not matter ... I still love her and even though, she will never comes back and even if it's true that she nowadays remains in the arms of another .... that will not reduce either my love for her or my commitment for her....

My body is full of belt welts and every third day I renew those wounds but ..... the pain of losing her just doesn't go away .... I promised her no calls, no texts, nothing ..... till she calls or texts me! Since that is an impossibility, I have to burn in this.... And I will burn - this is my punishment for all those tantrums, loose temper, loose talks .... Thank God, she was saved, I will suffer silently!

I once said, I see my God in her ..... I still do!