The Colour of My Money

I remember those days of my childhood - carefree, innocent and sweet ..... days would be spent laughing away beyond the blue sky, running on hot concrete roads or lying down in the shades of green glades or with some engaging books curled up next to my bosom while I read one or two of them and the nights, they would be spent listening to songs and stories from that face of serene love, that face of everlasting true affection that I was fortunate enough to see for few moons in my life - my sweet Daadi Maa

I remember that Dadaji who had long since stopped working by then would still at times do some odd jobs and earn some money and with that money they would buy Daadi Maa small nothings - Daadi Maa would be so pleased that day and I would get an additional helping of sweets. I would secretly wish for more such days and once in my innocence I admonished Dadaji for not working regularly. I think that was the only day I got thrashed by everyone - Daddy, Bade Chaacha, Chote Chaacha and even Daadi Maa - I could not believe it but yes, that's true.

I still remember how Daadi Maa would give me her share of sweets and the pleasure she would get while sharing it with me.

All this and so much more I saw in my early days. In my early days, when Dad used to understand me, I could feel the pleasure he used to get by buying me toys that were much beyond his measure. His brow would be knitted with tensions but once he saw me smiling, he would smile - that sweet smile that died out with my reaching 10 years of age! Sometimes I wish I could have forever remained young but then......

I remember those sharings, the happinesses it brought and how I would feel that one day I would grow up and work hard and bring home money and goods and make them all happy....

I do work hard, I do bring money, lot more than what my parents and grandparents saw in their entire life but there is no one to share with ... there is no one to present it with ... there is not one to splurge it on..... All's gone and I remain... a grim reminder of a life gone awry....

Dekha Kiye Tujhe Hum Banke Deewana
Utra Jo Nasha To Humne Ye Jaana
Saare Woh Zindagi Ke Sahaare Chale Gaye

And frankly speaking I deserve it - the money I earn after spending so much time, investing so much efforts and at the cost of my health and happiness is not even worth the paper on which it is printed.... even shit I think has a better value than my hard-earned money... the money that I earn is an 'untouchable'... it does not possess the elixir of happiness, the pride of support, the love of selflessness .... it's cold to touch, cold to the heart and cold to the brain.....

No one wants it - no one desires it - the common refrain is "I do not want your money" ... Of course not, why would anyone, want shit money?

A perfume bought with my money does not smell well, a dress bought with my money is given off as alms, a gift made with my money is not acceptable - others can spend money for relapsed connections and are appreciated for it - my money is treated like a pariah.....

What use is this money than and why am I spending my time earning it?

No one wants it, no one cares for it - it's not good money - it's dirty money, gutter money, shit money ..... and what am I? Of course Satan - how can Satan's money be good money.

Will my money ever have the power to wipe off her tears? Will my money ever be of any use to her? You joke, Clown, your money is fit to be lughed at, not fit to be used.

Remember the way Karna was insulted always by being reminded that he was a 'Sut Putra' - Similarly, you my dear friend are for this world a Sut Putra and your money 'Sut Dhan'

Everyone was shocked when I took out 10K from the bank and gave it all away to those small children today afternoon - they thought I was out of my mind - I can only smile at them for they know not how money has pained me.Yesterday it pained me by making me dependant on others, who would not let go of a moment reminding me of my me penury; today it has pained me by showing that no one in this world cares or is interested in my money

I have lost again to money and this time the pain is substaintial

I hope at least those children find some peace in my shit money - I do not see any human ever finding any happiness in my money.... how can they? It's the most depraved, degraded and disgusting of all money

After all, no one ever entered into a gutter to redeem dollars, did they?

I have checked the colour of my money and it's really disgusting - it's gutter black with shit yellow.

I hope my tears also are not of the same colour though.