Feelings of Anguish

I have always been an outsider - all my life I was an outsider - no one ever understood my pains, my feelings, my frustrations - but yes, I was always expected and beleived to understand theirs - My Dad expected me to understand his dreams and aspirations so did everybody else - and till today I have been only expected to understand and understand and understand!

My life begins with this quest of understanding others and ends with this quest of understanding others - in the midst of all this, somewhere, sometime I have lost the feeling that even I had a heart and that I also should be understood - but then why should someone understand me? Is there any reason? Nay, there is none.

Someone far away who is important to me, who is my priority had a narrow escape from an accident - I was trying to peel the perfect potato when this happened - I was stunned, shocked and in the melee of this unfortunate incident cut my hand accidentally. But I was so numb with shock and so tense with the knowledge that someone I love is hurt somewhere that I could not even think of it. All I could think of was trying to contact the person and try to find out what her condition was. Blood dripped out of my hands and onto the mobile and from there onto my face but I was too disoriented to even know that it was blood that was colouring my face.

I call consistently but no one picked up the phone and then I received a cryptic message - someone from her family was disoriented and so was first priority and with that I sank! I did not know what to do, what to say, what to feel! All I could feel was that I was more than 2000 km away but my disorientation and my frustration had paled in insignificance compared to someone who was next to her and so I could not even be spoken to; I was expected once again to 'understand' adn fine, 'understand' I did - I do not blame her - Blood is thicker than water and definitely cleaner than my blood which is nothing but coloured water masquerading as blood. I am sorry. I forgot this

But somehow my sense of concern, despite being accorded such a huge slap still makes me tense and I am totally numb - I do not know what I should do; I am totally at sea - I just do not understand - You know ehat as I write to you, the incessant taps of my finger on the keyboard is making my wound surface and my entire keyboard is crimson red - makes us all laugh, doesn't it?

I mean, why should it flow - it's feelings do not carry any conviction, do they?

I often used to think why Lord Voldemort chose hatred over love? Why he consigned himself to a life of hatred when he could have loved, just like Harry Potter - the result lay in what i went through today - the feeling of 'not being wanted' is only established when you are not counted at the time of sad tidings and I learnt it today.

What should I do? I just do not know. The entire day was wasted because someone could disregard the fact that I was waiting to be with her, to listen to her and the evening was destroyed because my disorientation paled when compared to the disorientation to others. I hope my night at least keeps me a little sane.

I am slowly and steadily losing my balance and my suicidal tendencies are increasing - I hope I can control them - by the way, my death will not make a ripple anywhere - people will say - thank God, a headache is gone forever!

It's true that I am a Loner by Choice and not by circumstances but it's also true that my heart still loves and loves well - what to do? I could never forsake love, whatever be the alter

It has been a sad day - a day full of pain and frustration but I think I have learnt something - my love is still not strong enough to show it's pain, it's disorientation, it's frustration and to get an acknowledgment for it's truth.

Well, Blood is always thicker than Water! And Family is after all Family and me - well, I am an outsider! how strange this word seems - how strange - someone how I am too numb to understand the meanings of the connotations of this word today - I need some time off - off on my own

What a strange coincidence - I neither have a Family nor does anyone consider me a family. Satan was never supposed to have a family, was he?

Happy Diwali to everyone - it has definitely been a great Diwali.