On my relationship with Allah - A friend's Quote

ALLAH gave me everything I needed ....and nothing that I wanted

I asked for strength & potential to survive,
and ALLAH gave calamities to make me strong;

I asked for wisdom, intellect & enlightenment,
& ALLAH gave me the problems of others resolved;

I asked for wealth , health & prosperity;
& ALLAH gave brain & brawn to work,

I asked for ambition and courage,
& ALLAH gave me danger to overcome;

I asked for love , compassion & tranquillity,
& ALLAH gave troubled people to help;

And then I asked for elevation through favouritism,
& ALLAH gave me opportunity to achieve and gain;

I recieved nothing I wanted from ALLAH ,
ALLAH gave me everything I needed..

I loved this quote a lot - reminded me a lot of what my love said once about the difference between the things I wanted and the things I needed

I think this was more important - because if ALLAH gave me the needed qualities, what could stop me from getting the wanted ones - all the wanted ones were derivatives of the needed ones

Tears in Hell

On the 19th of December, I got proof that though God may find pleasure in hurting me, there is still a soft corner in his heart for me - and I was nonplussed to understand this.

When I was young, my deepest tears would often be accompanied by a little shower from the heavens - it had been quite some time since it happened again - but on the 19th it happened - my tears were followed in full measure by rains - a surprise shower on a December day - and using the falling rains as a cover, I cried - I cried like I had not cried for a long time - I walked in that incessant drizzle and cried my heart out. For about 3 hours I kept walking in the rains and crying but somehow it appeared appropriate. Despite pain in my body and despite fever, I still walked on, crying and walking - all the way from my office to my home - and as long as I was on the roads, the skies cried with me and the moment I was in - the rains stopped too....

Thank God - at least the rains are committed to my pains and my tears - the Tears that I call Tears in Hell

What's happening to me?

What has happened to me?

I just do not know what's happening to me? I had the entire case in my grip and then after lunch, I just blew it up.... I could not speak a single word - there was some inexplicable pain in my chest - I could not speak - I could not talk - I could not even move (My hands are still shaking)

Why did it pain me so much? Why could I not control my pains? Why am I letting it impact me so badly? What has happened to my famed will-power?

This was my cake - I could have easily won this case - there was no way they could have snatched it away from my hands but today I just sat there while the case was being taken away from my hands - It's true they saved the day in the end but my reputation has been severely dented

My career is at crossroads and I am sure this will mean an 'Under Par' Rating... I am losing everything - I never had a family, my personal life was always in shambles, I have lost the best of my friends and associates; the one I love deeply is in pain due to my actions and my career is in doldrums

I am clueless what do I do... I am clueless

When Jokers love

There are some decent guys like Eklabya in this world - calm, decent, dignified. They are from decent families, can be very supportive and are decent enough for anyone to fall in love with - These are guys who deserve and get the love of any fairy that want. They are blindly trusted, deeply loved and never forgotten.

And why should they be...... They are the ones who have Love literally begging at their feet.

And then are jokers and fools like Raj - loud, uncouth, undignified, sons of the street, shameless and useless... Can you imagine then that these jokers also think they deserve love - and whose love - the love of a F-A-I-R-Y!

I feel like asking them, have you seen your face in the mirror, you fools!

What's wrong then if the one you love, compares your love to someone else's and you end up as losers?

how can you - the scum of the Earth - think of yourselves as worthy of a fairy?

What's wrong if she shrieks at your shouts - who the hell are you? Are you Eklabya? Are you even worth the mud on the ground where his shit falls?

What's your value? Get Lost! Kill yourself! You are just not worth HER

So many times, I have told you that you don't deserve her but then Raj, how will you understand - after all you are just a stray dog competing with the Lion - the true lover - the ruler of her heart - you are nothing but a disgusting vermin - how dare you behave in this inhuman manner

It's rightly stated that dogs can't digest butter - woe on them who give them ghee to eat

Shame on You Raj - Shame on you

Go away, do not show anybody your face - please go away.

A Question of Faith

Am I again falling off the end of a precipice? Am I again going down the same path? Am I again going to be left alone in the end, as is the usual end of all my feelings and emotions? Am I again going to be left, clutching to the straws, trying to survive while everything that I hold precious falls away from my hands and is lost forever?

I have been down this alley before and I have faced this loneliness before - this feeling of being alone in the entire world is not new to me but today, for the first time, I fear it - Am I being selfish? Am I thinking only about myself?

I do not know; the questions are numerous and the answers impossible to find

But this time, it will pain me severely - the pain will be enormous - I know it but I promise myself, I will not show it

I think this is a test of my faith and I should give this faith.

I have blind faith in someone this time and I know the consequences of this blind faith as well - if it proves right, I will be happy; if not, well - I will be somewhere

God - this time I place my faith in you and my Blind faith and I solemnly agree to the consequences - I will not speak a word, even at the cost of self-destruction or self-aggrandizement

My faith in you and her is complete - Now let me see the result of such a faith

A comment on a post

Someone asked me if I have ever had a heartbreak .... now that's what I call an interesting question!So .... have I ever been heartbroken?

Strange question - my heart breaks down so often, I am now thinking whether it can qualify as a heart itself and not as a pump that's more than 4 centuries old....

To be fair to everyone involved, I do not know whether I have ever been heartbroken because that implies having a heart that can break - I have been dumped (many times); I have been used (again many times); I have been hurt (many, many times) but I do not remember having being heartbroken - maybe because my heart was never considered worth being a heart itself.

Like a clown, my heart has always been one that brings a smile on faces; it's own pain is always hidden from all

Main Apna Fasaana Keh Naa Saka,
Mere Dil Ki Tammanaa Dil Mein Rahi
Lo Aaj Kinaaron Par Aakar,
Armaanon Ki Kashti Doob Gayi

That's the fate of all clowns; always.....

Remembering a Friend

Where are you, my friend?

I could not walk even 2 paces without you and fell down heavily, face down on the ground. Had it been like yesterday, you would have been around to take care of me - but brother, how long will you take care of me? how long will you be my silent support? how long will you continue to give me dreams that someday things would be alright?

Nothing is ever going to be alright -nothing absolutely - I am very lonely and this time around Ican't even call you - Thrice I tried to call you and thrice I remembered your last words to me - that I would never call you in any pain or suffering - that you had, had enough of me and why not, after all you were my closest friend for so long - but even you left me - yes, I know you will say that I did not leave you any choice - fair enough - I never leave anyone any choice, I did not leave her any chouice too - did I?

And so again, I am back to the starting point from where I started - defeated, brutalized but still okay. You know what, I had a minor attack and baby got tense - Well, she has lost her parents, she obviously fears death a lot - but see, nothing happened to me.

Don't worry - I can take care of myself - you left me - over a childish feud but you know what, I won't forgive you for this - you created a kind of bogey in me - a bogey that I shared with her and lost her forever - I never had agreed to your assertion but somehow my words gave that kind of a meaning to my words and I stand alone on the streets of life thanks to that.

No, she is not like others and she did not walk out. I did - because one should not put pain in someone's life - my love had become a festering sore in her life and I am really ashamed of that - But you my brother knew me well - why did you go away?

I wish I could speak to Father today - I would ask him - You told me that I was not made for love (thanks for that) but wouldn't it have been better had you told me why? I would have not lost osmeone so precious today

I can't even ask you to come back brother; maybe this is my destiny - lonely life and lonely death

Farewell to a Friend R I P

We used to be the best of friends - you and I and everyone else used to marvel at us - admire our friendship - be impressed with it - people used to give examples of our friendship - call it a brotherhood fashioned in heaven and lived out on Earth

Do you remember the trying times we went through? Do you remember the pains and frustrations we faced?

I still remember everything - how can I forget? You were the one who had faith on me long before anybody knew what I was worth! You were the one who stood up for me when the entire world ganged up against me. You were the one who had faith in me - nay 'Blind Faith' in me when all the world only considered me a lost, defeated soul.. It was you who kept me company when I was betrayed for th first time - It was you who understood the pain of my losing in love again and again

I remember the way you stood up for me and fought those who made fun of me. You used to go to pains to explain everyone that I was different. You were younger to me but you displayed a sort of support that only an elder brother could have given me - I remember how I once shouted at you but you still maintained your calm and at the end, as usual, you were the one who was right!

Do you remember that day when Rudolph, Sydney and Melvyn and the team (I think they were about 30 guys there, waiting for me in the compound) challenged me for a fight - do you remember me walking down alone to face all 30 of them - I would have been massacred that day, had you not saved me from my own temper that day - on that day, when all were standing with cycle chains, hockey sticks and rods, you were the one who silently bore my punches but despite my severe anguish took me away from there - You were the reason I survived, otherwise my warrior blood would have either killed or got killed that day

But today, even you do not understand me!

You ask me when have I stood for you?

Who got stabbed while fighting for you; do you remember that face? Who was thrashed by your girlfriend's parents when you took her away for a day out? Do you remember the guy who put up his hand and took the blame of pinching that gorgeous girl's bottom (which you had done, by the way) and in the process became a lout in the eyes of all who appreciated him?

I will never say this on your face because I do not believe in speaking about what I have done it; I consider it disgusting and below my dignity but it really pained me to hear all this and why did I have to hear all this - just because I told you that I will never force someone to take those steps that you want us to take!

I never said anything when you christened me Mr. Whispers, did I? When you said that girls use me like a sanitary napkin every month and then move on, I did not say a word, did I? When have I questioned your practicality or any  other point?

When have I ever said anything against you? Did I not stand up and fight for you even when you were wrong?

Qayamat Se Kam Yaar Ye Ghum Nahin
Tu Aur Main Rahe Gaye Hum Nahin



Mera Dost Mujhse Juda Ho Gaya
Suna Hai Ki Tu Be-Wafaa Ho Gayaa

Wish you all happiness - I am your friend, your brother and I will always wait for you - I am always there if you need me and yes, you have rights over me but not over the one you want me to force to listen to your words

I am sorry but that's true

Return to Loneliness

What has happened tonight? What went so terribly wrong? What did I do? What was that crime of mine thatI have been awarded this sentence? Did I do something wrong? Am I misunderstanding?

There are so many similar questions that are running through my mind and I am not sure what is the reply to a single one of them..... I am lost, totally and completely lost

I am feeling very lonely as if I have lost everything precious in my life and there is nothing that remains mine any longer. I do not know why but after what happened tonight / today morning I am feeling lost..... It never happened before that I was asked to call at an awkward time, a time when it would be impossible for me to share niceties - a time when I would be in office and would be at a loss to conform to what is my heart's desires. It's not as if my counterpart is unaware about the impossibility of the situation but still I have been asked to do so. Is she alright? Is she fine? I just do not know!

Why? I just do not know.

I am not sure whether this morning is a watershed in my life and that all that happened today morning was genuine or whether it is a clear indication of my losing out on the most important part of my life - nay, the only important part of my life - because without this, there is nothing in my life that means for or stands for anything.

It has never happened before - under the toughest of circumstances and under the most difficult of times, it has never happened before - what happened today has seared me and sent a shock-wave all through me.

It's all my fault! I always try to dictate terms - I have really become what I dreaded most - a Loner -yet once again

Apne Mein Rahe Yaa Gairon Mein
Ghunghroo Ki Jagah To Hai Paairon Mein

It's high time I stop being so dominating and become a little more accomodating - it's high time I stop hurting others who love me - Enough is Enough and let this be clear to me

I hope everything is fine

A story

There was once a mother and a daughter living together in a beautiful city where ther was peace happiness and most importantly, a close bond between the two.

The mother loved her daughter a lot and took exceptional care of her. She worked hard, did exceptional hours; everything for the sake of that daughter. She was beautiful and intelligent; had she wanted her own life, she could have got anythingshe wanted but she looked at her daughter's child-like innocent face and with a smile that only a mother can have, she wavd away everything, her peace, her happiness; she stopped thinking about herself and only thought about the daughter. There was nothing in her life that was hers any longer. Everything was for the daughter. for her daughter, she had sacrificed her own happiness. Undoubtedly she was a great mother.

The daughter was also a gentel soul. To be frank, she was an angel in a human clothing. Innocent, sincere, simple and faithful she was everything a man could hope for all his stages of life. She was light for the most darkest of the nights and she was smile for the wettest of the tears. For the deepst pains, she was a saviour and for the worst of intenrions, she was the best of reasons why one could beleive in the existence of God

Indeed, there could not have been a better mother and daughter duo in this world. There are happiness, there was peace. The mother doted on the daughter and the Daughter did everything with only her mother in her mind. Those were beautiful days and the two shared a bond that was divine

But the Devil had other plans. He could not see them happy. He wanted to bring chaos in their lives and with that intention, he sent the most powerful of his lieutinents, his hier-apparent, the most ruthless and disgusting Beast there was in his kingdom to play with their hearts and bring pain to them.

The Beast, (may he die a disastrous death), wasted no time in winning the affections of the innocent fairy and today the mother-daughter have been rendered asunder by this most obnoxious and spiteful of creatures, this Beast, who deserves nothing but the severest of censure and ridicule has brought a lot of pain to both the mother and the daughter.

Why should he live? Why should he not be punished? What should be his punishment?

Let the punishment meted out to the beast be exemplary - let the world know that none should ever trample over the most precious of all relationships - let the end of this abominable creature be the source of inspiration to all true hearts and a warning to all with darkness in their hearts

Maybe it's true that the Beast loves her a lot, but that is no excuse. He deserves punishment. May God punish him and punish him hard!

Feelings of Anguish

I have always been an outsider - all my life I was an outsider - no one ever understood my pains, my feelings, my frustrations - but yes, I was always expected and beleived to understand theirs - My Dad expected me to understand his dreams and aspirations so did everybody else - and till today I have been only expected to understand and understand and understand!

My life begins with this quest of understanding others and ends with this quest of understanding others - in the midst of all this, somewhere, sometime I have lost the feeling that even I had a heart and that I also should be understood - but then why should someone understand me? Is there any reason? Nay, there is none.

Someone far away who is important to me, who is my priority had a narrow escape from an accident - I was trying to peel the perfect potato when this happened - I was stunned, shocked and in the melee of this unfortunate incident cut my hand accidentally. But I was so numb with shock and so tense with the knowledge that someone I love is hurt somewhere that I could not even think of it. All I could think of was trying to contact the person and try to find out what her condition was. Blood dripped out of my hands and onto the mobile and from there onto my face but I was too disoriented to even know that it was blood that was colouring my face.

I call consistently but no one picked up the phone and then I received a cryptic message - someone from her family was disoriented and so was first priority and with that I sank! I did not know what to do, what to say, what to feel! All I could feel was that I was more than 2000 km away but my disorientation and my frustration had paled in insignificance compared to someone who was next to her and so I could not even be spoken to; I was expected once again to 'understand' adn fine, 'understand' I did - I do not blame her - Blood is thicker than water and definitely cleaner than my blood which is nothing but coloured water masquerading as blood. I am sorry. I forgot this

But somehow my sense of concern, despite being accorded such a huge slap still makes me tense and I am totally numb - I do not know what I should do; I am totally at sea - I just do not understand - You know ehat as I write to you, the incessant taps of my finger on the keyboard is making my wound surface and my entire keyboard is crimson red - makes us all laugh, doesn't it?

I mean, why should it flow - it's feelings do not carry any conviction, do they?

I often used to think why Lord Voldemort chose hatred over love? Why he consigned himself to a life of hatred when he could have loved, just like Harry Potter - the result lay in what i went through today - the feeling of 'not being wanted' is only established when you are not counted at the time of sad tidings and I learnt it today.

What should I do? I just do not know. The entire day was wasted because someone could disregard the fact that I was waiting to be with her, to listen to her and the evening was destroyed because my disorientation paled when compared to the disorientation to others. I hope my night at least keeps me a little sane.

I am slowly and steadily losing my balance and my suicidal tendencies are increasing - I hope I can control them - by the way, my death will not make a ripple anywhere - people will say - thank God, a headache is gone forever!

It's true that I am a Loner by Choice and not by circumstances but it's also true that my heart still loves and loves well - what to do? I could never forsake love, whatever be the alter

It has been a sad day - a day full of pain and frustration but I think I have learnt something - my love is still not strong enough to show it's pain, it's disorientation, it's frustration and to get an acknowledgment for it's truth.

Well, Blood is always thicker than Water! And Family is after all Family and me - well, I am an outsider! how strange this word seems - how strange - someone how I am too numb to understand the meanings of the connotations of this word today - I need some time off - off on my own

What a strange coincidence - I neither have a Family nor does anyone consider me a family. Satan was never supposed to have a family, was he?

Happy Diwali to everyone - it has definitely been a great Diwali.

In Praise of Someone

What do I say and how do I say?

I say I love her a lot but the truth is my love is not as true and beautiful as I would want it to be . What kind of love is this that I do not understand her aspirations, her pains, her sacrifice, all that she is doing, all that she's going through, she is suffering for my sake while I stand like a spectator watching her sufferings like a shadow unable to support and unable to fight for her (she won't even allow me to do that) - she hurt herself the other day and the first person she sent a sms with the bleeding hand was me! and I - what do I do? I just pressurize her all the time - I hurt her feelings, I refuse to understand her, I force her to listen to me, I insist that she listens to me - that she listens to all that I ask her to do and always want things to be the way I want them.

She has broken up with her friends becasue she cannot tolerate anyone insulting or abusiing me - and I stand here not even able to be with her. She has fought with friedns and family for my sake and stood for me even when outnumbered and outmaneouvered. She suffers silently but does not let me feel the pain. When she came to know I was caught in a curfew in the riots, she cried the whole day, kept running to the TV and in the process fell ill

And to think, I say I LOVE HER - No Lord voldemort, you do not love her even an inch of what she does - she LOVES you and you can never be able to even gauge how much she loves you! Think are you worth her? Think do you know what she is and what you are?

A dog cannot understand the taste of caviar - a man has to be that civilized to understand it - become a man at least, if not a human - at least for the sake of her love - A man who cannot understand love as deep as this is no man - he's a fool and fools do not deserve any respect.

I wish you could understand - what you are to me and how much what you do matters to me - I maybe unable to explain my feelings to you but that does not mean my feelings are false - I am sorry for all the pain that you go through for my sake.

I hope my love is worth all your efforts - sometimes I think you are more that what I deserve - how can a Devil like me deserve an Angel like you?

Thanks for everything - I am sorry - really sorry

Why did you betray me, Daadi Maa?

If you can count your money; you are broke
If you know your value; you will wish you were dead.

I remember these words very well - I wrote them long back - on April 28, 2004 to be precise - then I came to know my professional value - and I built on it strongly.

Today I have been taught my personal value and believe me it pains me as much - To put it in simple words, today I know my value in the eyes of those I love and as expected, it's not more than that of a vagabond on the streets of Bombay. I really wish I was dead before I learnt my value - but then, as I again mentioned in another of my blogs ' Interesting things happen to Interesting People' and who can be more interesting than me - the Devil himself, The Chosen Man, the Man who knew no happiness, the Man born for a life of being discarded forever.....

You know something Daadi Maa, I really feel jealous of you today - it must be a beautiful life after death, no pain, no frustration, nothing! You cheated me Maa, You cheated me - nay, you BETRAYED me!

Why could I have not been the one to drink from the goblet of Death in your place? Why could I have not been the one to leave this world and walk away? Why did you not take me with you? I begged you to take me with you - time and again - I asked you to take me with you but you fooled me and walked away alone -

What was it you told me the last time we spoke - Baabu, the world awaits you - be the fire that lights the new sky, the wind that brings news of a new hope, the sun that brings to Man a new day - and then you went away and took with you the wind that gave me my breath, the sun that gave me my faith and the fire that burnt my ambitions - all that is left is the memory of a setting sun, the breath of death in my heart and the fire of hatred that burns me with every gasp of hope that still remains in my charred heart

You tell me you pray for my happiness - never were worse words full of untruth and falsehood spoken - if you really, really, really wished my happiness, you would have wished for my death and that too a death that would pain me but make those I love happy - I would suffer and they would enjoy, I would cry and they would laugh.

How many times have I asked you for the ultimate relief but you never listened to me - I remember you once slapped me when I prayed for my own death - why? was it not better than what I was forced to silently accept yesterday and today? Could any death be worse than the humiliation of my words?

Tell me, Mom! You used to have an answer for everything - Why are you silent today? What happened to your admonitions?

Dad used to say - never speak to one who refuses to honour your tongue - he jokes, doesn't he? Dad, if I follow that dictum, I will have to cut my tongue for never in my life have my words been given any respect. I am sure even a dog's barking in the silent night carries more weight than my words, my feelings, my emotions!

Long long back, I had said in one of my blogs that Silence of the Lamb is the sanction to it's slaughter; today I would like to add Speech of the Dog is the indicator to it's Value.....

Harchand Meri Quwaat-E-Guftaar Hai Mehbus, 

Khaamosh Magar Tabai-ye-Khuddaara Nahin Hoti

I wish someone would have listened to me.........

Lutf Marne Mein Hai Baaqi, Naa Mazaa Jeene Mein

Kucch Mazaa Hai To Yahi Khoon-E-Jigar Peene Mein

Kitne Be-Taab Hain Jauhar Mere Aainey Mein

Kis Qadr Jalwe Tadapte Hain Mere Seene Mein

Iss Gulistan Mein Magar Dekhne Waale Hi Nahin

Daagh Jo Seene Mein Rakhte Hain Woh Laale Hi Nahin

My favourite story

Satan, yes, the one whose empire I am destined to rule one day once told me an interesting story .... it was a story that I had heard many times and it never failed to move me - but these were the days after my first major defeat - it was after my first brush with life - after my first 'coming to terms' with the 'loss of my innocence' and so it assumed a very different significance in my life......

Strangely, the story that was narrated to me itself was different - it had to be - it was narrated by the greatest and the most miunderstood of all lovers of all times - the story could not have been any less painful than it was......

The Beast was a beast, there was nothing human about him - all he had was power and arrogance, the flush of love and feelings had missed him completely - there was no feeling, no love, no emotions - all he had was hatred for being made a beast, the frustration that comes for being a beast, the fear that rules the instincts of a beast, the anger that governs the tumultous pain of a beastly heart and the arrogance that comes from the power of life and death that's a given to this creature.....

But despite all this, he still had a heart - a heart that still beat somewhere, a heart that pained somewhere, a heart that cried at times - a loneliness that gnawed at him till it became a part of him, a silence that was natural to his eyes, a grimace of pain that was his hidden emotion in laughter...... he longed for those light moments that could be anyone's destiny except his... he looked at people and their happiness and failed to understand it until.....

Until that one fateful day, when that most lowly of adversaries - that one emotion that creates havoc with perfectly normal lives introduced himself - in the form of a trader who had lost everything. The Beast cared for him and took care of him but man, the most ungrateful and most cunning and parasitic of all forms of life did what is symptomatic of what men do - he despite strict rules to the contrary and plucked a flower from the garden - a garden that the Beast valued a lot and loved a lot and there were strict instructions that no living being, man or animal, human or devil was supposed to pluck any weed or tree from that garden.

The Beast was naturally non-plussed and soon his amazement grew into anger as he understood that Man had yet again betrayed him. He would have killed the man in cold rage but again Mercy surfaced and that most slimy of emotions ensured that the Man was saved. However, Man promised the Beast that he would send one of his daughters as prisoner in exchange of his saved life. The Beast told him that if that did not happen, he would die in 3 days and so would his family and none would be able to save him.

Man sent his youngest daughter, the most lovable of all, the most innocent of all, the most trueful of all, the most faithful of all - one whose innocence was still not lost while that of her elder sisters was lost and they would not trade their happiness for a prison - but mindful of her duties as a daughter, the youngest moved in with the Beast for a life in the prison.

The Beast was glad to get a companion like that Beauty. He had never seen innocence in Mankind and her innocence reminded him of his days when his heart was true. Slowly and steadily they fell in love and the Beast became more humane as time went on. The Beauty taught him humane values of compassion, love, mercy and peace - things the Beast's heart ringed with pain and betrayal had forgotten.

Time passed by and then one day the Beast saw the Beauty crying for her parents. She had not met them in years and although the Beast took care of them and kept them happy, he would not allow her to meet them. But that day, th Beauty railed against th Beast and accused her of keeping her with him on the strength of force and force only.

The Beast was pained and let her go. Before leaving, he gave her a ring and told her that if she did not return within 15 days, the Beast would die. The Beauty went away, assuring him of her truth

She met her family and they, who had thrown her to the gallows, for their own safety suddenly were more courteous this time around. They loved her more, they cared for her more and they cuddeld her more. They would use cunning, the great art that only a human can master to subtely drive home the point that the Beauty possessed in her hands the key to the family's happiness and that they should kill the Beast and that she should never return to the Beast. Suddenly, the family that that sacrificed her to the Bast remembered their social obligations and talks were on for her marriage.

Time passed. 15 days passed, 1 month paid... Beauty forgot all about the Beast and then suddenly one day as she looked at the hypocrisy of the world around her, she remembered the only creature that had loved her truely. She was filled with remorse and she hastened back to meet him.

But she was too late. The Beast was dying and she reached him only quick enough to see him die. Thus ended the story.

I looked at Satan and told him this was shocking. Why did the Beast have to do this?

Satan put him hands around me and said,"That's love"

And then he told me:

Khuda Tujhko Kisi Toofan Se Aashna Kar De;
Teri Bahar Ki Maujon Mein Iztiraab Nahin Hai

This is my favourite story - whenever I performed this role - I always played the Beast and I always managed to win an award

Maybe the Beast could relate to it in a more perfect manner than any other......

Remember Beauty and the Beast ..... I am the Beast!

Feelings of my heart

My friends often say that the greatest gift that God has given me is the Gift of the Gab - the gift to articulate my feelings, the gift to reason out my emotions, the gift to explain my opinion, the gift to influence friends and defeat enemies. I do not believe this is the case but I do agree that at times, the learning I have articulated at the feet of my brilliant teachers has often helped me in my pursuit of my ambitions.

Personal life, though is a different matter altogether. Till today, I have never been able to explain or articulate my feelings to those whom I love - often ending in mis-communicating some other point or getting frustrated by my own incapabilites

One thing that I have always failed to explain is my feelings.... and where could this be truer that with the one I love the most.

I understand everything; the pain, the trials, the tribulations, everything - what her heart suffers, what she feels, how her tears remain hidden just behind her lashes - I am not a fool to not understand that - but it pains me, it pains me everytime she tries to clarify points, every time she points out that this may not end the way we want to - that it would all be over anytime in the most disastrous way possible. She tries to clarify that she has informed me and every step I take is at my own peril and that I should not blame her at a later juncture.

Why? Why? Why?

Who asked me to love you? Did You? No! It was my decision!

Did I not know your pains then? Yes, I did! It was my decision!

Have I ever blamed you for anything? No, Never! It is my decision!

Are you responsible for my falling in love with you? No, Never! It is my decision!

How many times should I say, how many times should I reiterate? how many times should I state that your accepting to love me is the greatest favour one could have ever bestowed on one who never found love in all his life.

Why do you keep repeating these points? Have I ever asked you for anything? Why do you keep repeating this mantra? Have I ever tried to emotionally blackmail you into my view point? I have always tried to be your strength - always hid my tears so that you may not cry - always pushed back my tears so that I could drink yours - I have always been one to hid my pains and frustrations so that you do not feel the pain of it..... Why then, this attempt of clearing your own side? When did I blame you for anything? Why should I blame you for anything? Ridiculous!

It's my fortune that you deigned to accept me - it was my fortune that you considered me worth your love - where have I asked you for commitment - Yes, I am committed and I refuse to give away my commitment!

Tum Sochegi Kyoon Itna, Main Tumse Pyaar Karoon?

Tum Samjhogi Deewana, Main Bhi Iqraar Karoon

Deewaanon Ki Ye Baatein Deewaane Jaante Hain

Jalne Mein Kya Mazaa Hai Parwaane Jaante Hain

There are people in this world who have found love and let it go, there are people who have got pure faith and trust and let it all be destroyed, there are people in this world who have destroyed hearts and hearths and then there are people who have played with love as if it was the latest fashion

I pain everytime I am unable to win her trust - I despair everytime I feel that I cannot get her complete trust - I feel at sea whenever my heart tells me that whatever maybe my level to commitment, my love will never trust me completely. What do I do? I have done everything I can but still that child-like trust that love creates evades me 

I am not among them - maybe because I never got love, maybe because love never felt me worth it's gaze and why should it? I am no Narcissus in my appearance, no Solomon in my wisdom, no Jamshed in my riches and no Nimrod in my powers - neither do I possess the strength of a Samson nor am I as attractive as Casanova - nor do I have a family that rivals the Mughals nor do I have the faith that a Ali possesses

Nor am I like Buddha in my learnings not do I have the compassionate heart of the great Jesus..... I am evil, I am bad, I am the worst creature on the face of Earth..... but I do have a heart

The heart may be dark but it knows the way to love - the heart I have may not equal even the worst of the worst but it has it's own feelings - it's own emotions, it's own pains

Why should it not be pained if someone does not understand that I am not asking you for anything - I have committed everything to you but that does not mean that you need to reciprocate it

My love is the love of Satan for God - it does not ask for reciprocation - it only does what it deems is correct

Jaane Woh Kaise Log Thhe Jinke Pyaar Ko Pyaar Mila

Hum Ne To Jab Kaiyaan Maangi, Kaanton Kaa Haar Mila

I love you - I wish you could understand that

Love and Lord Voldemort

Love is not an easy task; it's a task that demands a hefty price. Not all can pay the price, not all can accept the challenge

It's not easy for me to accept that maybe my love is not at all capable but if Trust be told, well, it has to be told - my love is not capable of being called love!

Is my Love, what Love is all about? Is this the way one Loves? By hurting the one, one loves? By bringing pain to the one, one lovs? By shouting at the one, one loves? By trating with disdain and no respect, the one that one loves?

If this be love, indeed then Love is not worth me or I am not worth Love

Love means looking at one not from one's prespective but from the other's perspective - Love means understanding the one, one confesses to love - Love means being able to understand the pains and frustrations of the beloved - Love means suffering pain if it can bring a smile to the beloved's face

But then - who am I to love? Does Lod Voldemort love?

A letter to Grandmom

Daadi Amma,

How are you today? Are you a little free? I just wanted to speak to you

It has been so long since we spoke - no, I do not blame you! you have often called me for a talk - it's my cowardice that does allow me to either leave everything and come to you or my shamefulness that does not allow me to face you.

What do I face you with and how can I face you? A man who can not inspire trust in the person he loves what does he deserve from this world. I have impored, begged and requested but have always failed to prove my love, my loyalty and my faith.

Dil Ki Ye Hasrat Hai Tere Paas Main Aaoon
Jo Gir Gayeen Hai Aisi Nigaah Kaise Milaaon
Naqaam Hoon, Badnaam Hoon,
Kya Mujh Mein Bhala Hai!

There is nothing left for me to do - I am at my wits end - Today's Eid has given me pain that's beyond my courage to bear - but it's okay - Pain is my inheritance, Tears my property

Daadi Maa, Can you help me please? - Either give me the power to prove my loyalty or give me the courage to end my life - I am tired of this existence

Tang Aa Chuke Hain Kashmakash-E-Zindagi Se Hum
Thukraa Naa Den Jahaan Ko Kahin Be-Dilli Se Hum
Lo Aaj Hum Ne Chhodd Diya Rishtaa-E-Ummeed
Lo Ab Kabhi Gilla Naa Karenge Kissi Se Hum

Your Loving Grandson,

The Last Devil

Qaid-E-Mausam Mein Rahi Tabiyat Aazaad Uski
Kaash! Gulshan Mein Samajhta Koi Faryaad Uski

The Colour of My Money

I remember those days of my childhood - carefree, innocent and sweet ..... days would be spent laughing away beyond the blue sky, running on hot concrete roads or lying down in the shades of green glades or with some engaging books curled up next to my bosom while I read one or two of them and the nights, they would be spent listening to songs and stories from that face of serene love, that face of everlasting true affection that I was fortunate enough to see for few moons in my life - my sweet Daadi Maa

I remember that Dadaji who had long since stopped working by then would still at times do some odd jobs and earn some money and with that money they would buy Daadi Maa small nothings - Daadi Maa would be so pleased that day and I would get an additional helping of sweets. I would secretly wish for more such days and once in my innocence I admonished Dadaji for not working regularly. I think that was the only day I got thrashed by everyone - Daddy, Bade Chaacha, Chote Chaacha and even Daadi Maa - I could not believe it but yes, that's true.

I still remember how Daadi Maa would give me her share of sweets and the pleasure she would get while sharing it with me.

All this and so much more I saw in my early days. In my early days, when Dad used to understand me, I could feel the pleasure he used to get by buying me toys that were much beyond his measure. His brow would be knitted with tensions but once he saw me smiling, he would smile - that sweet smile that died out with my reaching 10 years of age! Sometimes I wish I could have forever remained young but then......

I remember those sharings, the happinesses it brought and how I would feel that one day I would grow up and work hard and bring home money and goods and make them all happy....

I do work hard, I do bring money, lot more than what my parents and grandparents saw in their entire life but there is no one to share with ... there is no one to present it with ... there is not one to splurge it on..... All's gone and I remain... a grim reminder of a life gone awry....

Dekha Kiye Tujhe Hum Banke Deewana
Utra Jo Nasha To Humne Ye Jaana
Saare Woh Zindagi Ke Sahaare Chale Gaye

And frankly speaking I deserve it - the money I earn after spending so much time, investing so much efforts and at the cost of my health and happiness is not even worth the paper on which it is printed.... even shit I think has a better value than my hard-earned money... the money that I earn is an 'untouchable'... it does not possess the elixir of happiness, the pride of support, the love of selflessness .... it's cold to touch, cold to the heart and cold to the brain.....

No one wants it - no one desires it - the common refrain is "I do not want your money" ... Of course not, why would anyone, want shit money?

A perfume bought with my money does not smell well, a dress bought with my money is given off as alms, a gift made with my money is not acceptable - others can spend money for relapsed connections and are appreciated for it - my money is treated like a pariah.....

What use is this money than and why am I spending my time earning it?

No one wants it, no one cares for it - it's not good money - it's dirty money, gutter money, shit money ..... and what am I? Of course Satan - how can Satan's money be good money.

Will my money ever have the power to wipe off her tears? Will my money ever be of any use to her? You joke, Clown, your money is fit to be lughed at, not fit to be used.

Remember the way Karna was insulted always by being reminded that he was a 'Sut Putra' - Similarly, you my dear friend are for this world a Sut Putra and your money 'Sut Dhan'

Everyone was shocked when I took out 10K from the bank and gave it all away to those small children today afternoon - they thought I was out of my mind - I can only smile at them for they know not how money has pained me.Yesterday it pained me by making me dependant on others, who would not let go of a moment reminding me of my me penury; today it has pained me by showing that no one in this world cares or is interested in my money

I have lost again to money and this time the pain is substaintial

I hope at least those children find some peace in my shit money - I do not see any human ever finding any happiness in my money.... how can they? It's the most depraved, degraded and disgusting of all money

After all, no one ever entered into a gutter to redeem dollars, did they?

I have checked the colour of my money and it's really disgusting - it's gutter black with shit yellow.

I hope my tears also are not of the same colour though.

I remember

"So, mind my words do not ever fall in love", that was Reverend Father Leslie Almieda speaking to me after a spirited discussion on love and life. Around him sat a group of boys, all in their early teens 12 -14 years of age. The eldest must not have been more than 15 and they were hearing attentively to what the good shephard of people's souls said about Love - how it was important to life - and how one should love and that a man who could not or did not love had no God waiting for him ever.

Hence, it was very surprising when after hearing of what Love meant to me and all boys around me, feeling impressed with my enunciation of the principles of love and what I percieve is love, were busy congratulating me for my ideals, the good priest should have actually said something so contrary to the trend.

"Do a favour on your own self, sweet child, never fall in love; you are not made for love", he insisted!

I was surprised, was it because what I was looking for was very ideal or were my expectations for and from love too high; the old sage gravely shook his head and said that none of that was true; what I had said was the bare minimum required and then hastened to add, you will be seared by it - you are too pure for it - Love today is not pure - you live in an age when people who throw love in the dustbin and walk on, for who really cares for love; it's got no value and is available in plenty.

The young boy could not understand what the good father meant but today I do - maybe the good father could see within me - the ugliness of my soul may have been laid naked, bare, unclothed in front of him and maybe he knew beforehand that I was a Devil and the biggest folly of a Devil would be to actually fall in love - A Devil should only concentrate on doing what he's supposed to do - flirt, seduce, play - everthing under the sun except love - for a Devil's love is all consuming.

No one can love like a devil does or maybe no one deserves to be loved the way a devil loves - I do not know but Love has been quity a tricky customer for me

In the age where Love is easily thrown aside on the streets as garbage and people talk of interesting mantras like 'Move on' and 'Get on With Life'; why should anyone love the way we Devils do - with complete devotion and dedication, only to find that one day, our dedication and devotion would be found lying on the floor, adoring some gutter, that our feelings will be used with the equivalence of a sanitary napkin to clean one's compulsions and then to be thrown on the sides.

But then you don't go looking for love, love finds you and what can be done about it - so despite the warnings of my good teacher we Devils will continue to love and lose brutally in love and then again still love.

Loving is Second Nature to Devils.

Mental Strength

It was a sunny day in 1987 - I stood in the claustrophobic alley between two imposing houses in a quiet chawl - behind me was the enormous gutter - the one that that was as black as darkness and as winding and fearful as a snake - my reflections and those of my friend- that part dirty part sublime thing  called Conscience could be seen in the dark waters of that abyss - one that we routinely avoided. Behind us grew those green undergrowths that have a way of growing even where they should not.

"So, do you think you have the mental courage to walk out? Do you have the guts in you to stand for what you think is right and the world at large and society in particular, thinks is wrong? Do you have the courage to follow your heart when all that your heart can promise you is nothing but dignity? Can you consign your life to deep pain so that your personal values may remain sacrosanct? Can you suffer all that society heaps on you for a moment of personal honour? Are you mentally tough?"

It was my conscience asking me a final question. For a long period of time, I do not know how long, maybe a second, maybe a lifetime, I had been entangled by that one question.

I wanted to live, not to survive.... I wanted to soar into the beautiful skies like an eagle, not wallow on the roads like a chameleon, I wanted to live life on my terms and not on the doles meted out ot me by my society.

It was a tough time. On one side, stood my feelings of loyalty, duty and my notions of family and on the other stood my values, my refusal to compromise, my firm dedication to the Truth.

Was I mentally tough to stand when all around me would keep me down?

And stand I did! Alone, Lonely and weary, I stood alone to one and all; I refused to take a 'no' for an answer; every battle of life, I battled alone - I was the soldier of my fortune, I, the general of my undertakings - none could defeat my purpose - blood gushed out mercilessly of the wounds that time threw on my aspirations, blood flowed like water from the gaping holes that life put through me, every knife of those I loved pained me, each and every of those daggers was thrust on me with a vigour I could not comprehend, I grimaced in pain as each of those knives pained me, seared my consciousness and made my heart into the whore of life.

Still I never cowed down - my biggest regret and pride in life strangely remains the same - I never compromised!

Nothing could stop me in my tracks - no weapon was strong enough to blow me to smithereens, no power strong enough to strangle my dreams and my ambitions - till..... till today......

After fighting a lonely battle, a battle where I saw more lows than highs, where I saw more defeats than victories, a battle where I saw more pain than pleasure, where I saw more losses than success and still refused to yield - I have been today given the best compliment of all - THAT I AM NOT MENTALLY TOUGH!

O! The irony of it all!

I would laugh at my shock had I the power to laugh - somehow there is no emotion left - except a final smile at the viccisitudes of life - It would be so comic, so hilarious, had it not been so painful!

I remember my days - those instances of my life - where I stood unmoving at the altar of so many blackmails, so many emotional tantrums... I remembered those days when I stood starving in front of a hotel and was still dignified to act as if I had had the best luncheon this side of the city.

I remember the day when my dad (the man I loved the most in my life) humiliated me in front of an entire marriage procession and I in a bid to perform my duty of a son, could only smile and eat those tasteless morsels of food despite all humiliations - I remember my uncles and cousins helping me to more and more food, knowing my discomfiture and I eating all of these while my father's words rang true in my head.

I remember being very hungry for days on end and then letting do with a cup of tea and 2 biscuits for an entire day and sometimes couple of days - and then managing to hear my friends tell all that they were 'so generous' to take care of me - how they were spending 'INR 5 on me on a daily basis' and still smiling at them and teaching them the finest tricks of mathematics.

I remember being very hungry one night and passing near a dust bin and finding some rich brat having thrown packets of chivda and farsan and then climbing inside the bin to retrieve it and then feeling so very ashamed of my own self, silently emptying all of it in a gutter with my own hands while I stood hungry and starved.

I remember buying a plate of scrambled eggs and then suddenly being requested by a friend for food and then watching him gobble up everything leaving for me only one piece of bread for me. Moving ahead to have it only to find a stray dog take it away and then laugh it all off with a beautiful song.

There are so many things I remember - the urge to be different, society's ruthless punishment for daring to be different, family and friends who would take advantage of me and enemies who never let go of a chance to ridicule me..... still I persevered ...... it was tough to fight... there were always portents of an easy path - to accept what others said was the gospel truth and to kill my individuality

I had everything to win by doing just that - my family, my love, my individuality -everything but I still held on for my values - I had become mentally so resilient that nothing was enough to throw me out of my firm resolve - I had grown up long before I actually grew up.

Today as I look back at those days, I can only think of my amusement and sense of bewilderment of how I survived som many barbs and still remained with my dignity intact.

In the eyes of the society, today I stand, not at the top of the world but considering what I had to face all my life from my friends and foes, family and others, love and hatred, still a surviving relic of my success - but the price that I have paid for reaching where I have - who wishes to pay such prices any more. Today I can throw away money, the way some people throw away love but what value is it to me? It doesn't please me any longer.

I have lost all and am still losing all that matters to me

In a way, I am still the same 6 year old boy who still sits on the steps of a beautiful white church, as the sun sets and hopes that someone will come and take him home - the times go on increasing, the shadows go on lengthening but no one come to take him home. He does not despair, holds his head held high, clutches his back tightly against his chest, the faithful have started coming in droves - he sees the image of Jesus Christ looking at him through painted glasses, he smiles at that figure on the cross and the figure only looks at him saddened.

Then, slowly as if aware that he has been forgotten, he walks up and starts walking - slowly and steadily to the cemetary and then falls asleep against some crosses - unknowing that one day his own life would be a skillful navigation of life's roads with his own cross to bear.....

Is this what Jesus meant when he asked God:

"God, why have you forsaken me?"

I understand that now; but then Christ God never forsook you and me... well.... God never accepted me!!!

But still somewhere the child still exists and like a fool, he still loves, he still hopes that someone would be ready to sacrifice everything for him - well, children are so foolish - their trust so stupid - what do I do with this heart of mine?

Aaghaaz Ke Bin Tera Anjaam Taye Ho Chuka,
Iss Paar Aahein, Uss Paar Aansoon, Hum Yahan Naa Wahaan

I wish I could have been cold and distant - I wish I could be like others - openly selfish - able to force others through emotional blackmail and all such other ways to do my bidding - maybe in my personal life, I should have learnt ot do what I want to do - things would have been so much easier

And yes - I wish I could be mentally and emotionally strong - for as all say - maybe I am not!

On Trust

The primary foundation on which any relationship is based is Trust. The edifice of every relationship is Trust. The basis of every relationship is Trust. The proof of every relationship is Trust. To be precise, the underlying Truth of every relationship is Trust.

Without Trust, there is no love, without Trust there is no affection and without Trust, there is no relationship. The child loves his mother since he knows that his mother will never allow any pain to hurt him, the wife loves the husband since she believes that the husband will take care of her, the devotee loves the diety since he believes that his God will save him from any and every disaster..... Every love stands on Trust and the first casaulty of every relationship is Trust.

As Majrooh rightly pointed out:

Main Tumhi Se Poochhti Hoon, Mujhe Tumse Pyaar Kyoon Hai?
Kabhi Tum Daggha Na Doge, Mujhe Aitbaar Kyoon Hai?

It's true that a love that's pure inspires a child-like trust, a child-like loyalty for who can trust more than a child and who can trust truer than a child? None - only a child can love truely since he's still young and has not yet learnt the ways of this world.

If this is all true, of what use is that Love that cannot inspire Trust? Of what value is that Love that cannot be trusted, that leaves a doubt? What is your Love if it cannot prove to your beloved that you would not betray her.....

Love that cannot bring the other to Trust is worthless.... it's like a piece of low-grade coal in a mountain of pearls.... it's like a star that has consumed itself and lost it's grandeur....

And therein lies my tragedy and my final failure..... my curse is so simple - to never be trusted, to never be able to inspire trust, to never be able to prove the depth and truth of my love.

At all points in my love, I have failed and now, it appears my loss precedes my love-

I wish I could say this sometime to someone:

Main Haqeeqat Hoon, Ye Ik Roz Dikhaoonga Tujhe,
Be-Gunaahi Pe Mohabbat Ki Rulaaoonga Tujhe,
Ishq Masoom Hai, Ilzaam Lagaane Pe Ne Jaa


But then we Devils are condemned for being punished for the greatest crime on Earth - the crime of Love!

So was it written; so will it be done.... for ever and ever and ever and ever - till every blood in my body is shed, till every bone in my body is crushed, till ever tear in my eyes is spent and till every thought in my heart is numbed, till all my dreams are shattered and till all that remains of me is nothing but a memory - that too dying!

But let it be known to you - God, my heart will continue to love .... it will be frustrated and defeated... all whom I love will leave me and go away, I will face nothing but loss and defeat, I will become a victim to my loneliness and one day die in the arms of this much-dreaded enemy but I will still continue to love.....

Falak Pe Jitne Sitaaron Ho, Woh Bhi Sharmaayen
O Denewaale Mujhe Itni Zindagi De De
Yehi Sazaa Hai Meri Maut Hi Na Aaye Mujhe
Kisi Ko Chain Mile, Mujhko Be-Kasi De De

Ghum Utthane Ke Liye Main To Jeeye Jaaonga
Saans Ki Har Laiy Pe Tera Naam Liye Jaaonga

After all, I am The Devil!

Waiting for Love

Somewhere in our consciousness, is a reflection of a dream... .a dream of someone we think as very special to us.... someone that we always wanted to be our partner in life.... someone we do not know but whose foggy images lie entrenched in the depths of our consciousness, often unknown to us.... but the truth is that all of us have somewhere in the deep recesses of our heart a picture of the love that we desire and we expect in our hearts.....

Dil Mein Basi Hui Hai Tasveer Yaar Ki,
Jab Jee Chhahi, Nazar Jhukaayee, Dekh Li

The pursuit of a perfect love is often a difficult task One spends his entire life looking for that elusive reflection, that suauve image, that silent desire and many a times it's remains just that .... a dream. It's not that one desires always a perfect person. To be frank, Nobody wants a lover with a perfect figure, face and features... all one wants is a heart full of love and a soul full of care, faith and integrity, someone who is an exact replica of the image in the heart. As Shailendra once said:

Chand Si Mehbooba Ho Meri Kab Aisa Maine Socha Tha?
Haan.... Tum Bilkul Waisi Ho... Jaisa Maine Socha Tha!

We may call it the Mr. Right or Miss Perfect Syndrome or by whatever else we feel it to be but the truth remains that all of us spend a great deal of our time trying to find that love.... some search for that elusive non-existent ideal all through the lives ..... every person we meet is often compared to that reflection in our minds ... and then accordingly accepted or rejected....... this continues day after day, month after month, year after year .... the heart breaks and again smiles in hope of a better tomorrow... and again bites the dust....

And then one day defeated by the continuous frustrations and deviations from what we assume to be the perfect comrade for us on the way of life, we lay down our weapons... we sacrifice our love... our desires on the altar of that ever-silent, ever-patient but ruthless spider of our life - the Society.... and like any other Spider, Society devours us ruthlessly and completely, leaving nothing but a husk of what could have been a dream.. all shattered, all destroyed at the altar of the practical realm of life. His lips quiver to the sound of that beautiful emotion that says......

Aayengi Bahaaren, To Teri Hi Fassane Sunaayengi Humen
Hogi Tanhaaiyee To Ankhiyon Mein Aake Rulaayegi Humen
Rulaayengi Humen..... Tadpaayengi Humen

And then softly and slowly without turning back walks on.... he is mindful of his dreams being left on the middle of the road, orphaned and devastated... the tears fall but the man walks on, fearing that one day his own heart would betray him if we stopped and turned back to the world....

It takes guts but Man finally accepts the cards dealt out by the hands of Fate and starts adjusting his own self to his resigned fate.... the memory of that dream that stirred his heart in the early days of his life slowly fades away until one day Man remembers that he has become just another creature in this carnival of life... shorn of all his hopes and aspirations, he becomes just another person. And we console our hearts by saying consistently,

Hum Kyoon Shiqwaa Karen Jhoota!
Kya Hua Jo Dil Toota?
Mitti Ka Khilona Tha; Kuch Na Kucch Hona Tha
Hua!

And then when everything is lost, God suddenly decides that He exists.... that he has to show he 'exists' and so to add salt to the wound.. he decided to play benovelent.. by you have lost everything - your dreams, your desires, your love and reconciled yourself to the vagaries of life - to a life without love, to a life shorn of happiness, to a life wedded to loneliness and then suddenly when you think that "jee lenge" - God decides to present you with that image, that reflection that you have reflected upon so many times in solitude..... an image that's now more inaccessible then before....

And then your heart starts asking you a question..... As usual he is emotional and refuses to listen.. all it wants is to get it's beloved in his embrace while on the other hand the mind, mindful of the practicalities of the situation refuses to let it go...

Josh Kehta Hai Ki Chal,
Hosh Kehta Hai Sambhal,
Kiska Kehna Maan Loon?
Manzil Hai Mere Saamne!

And then begins a battle between the loving heart and the loving but pained mind..... a battle that tears apart the soul, the mind and the heart... a battle that has no end... they are lucky who are successful but even so are those who lose.. because what wins is LOVE!

And another story begins......

A Grandson Laments

Yesterday night, I met my grandmother after 22 years.......

I really did not wish to meet her..... What would I tell her? What would I show her? That Her grandson has won all the battles in his life but lost all the wars in his life..... How would I reconcile my loving grandmother to the fact that her grandson has not succeeded in every important battle of life...... although he is considered as very successful and talented.....

But I did meet her... her eyes are still as soft as ever, her smile as genuine as ever, her face is as serene as ever and her heart as full of love as ever...... everything is the same except....

Except me!

Wohi Hai Saaz, Wohi Geet Hai, Wohi Manzar,
Har Ek Cheez Wohi Hai,
Nahin Hoon Main Woh Magar !

I am not the same Raj, the same young man I used to be...... I have changed and changed drastically..... there is no innocence in my eyes, no tears too! there is no softness in my heart, no love too! the childlike innocence that I had at some point of time has died and lies unshrouded on some dark filthy alleyway of the hard street of life.. .thrown apart from the body like a sanitary napkin thrown apart after it's one-time use......

The smiling boy who was called Prince Charming by his school and college boys is dead and what you have in his place is a heartless, dark, cruel and highly arrogant manifestation of all that's devilish and unholy ... the Harry Potter of the 1980s has transformed into Lord Voldemort of the 2008 and the transformation could not have been more perfect......

Yes.. somewhere within me that boy lives..... and it's unfortunate that he still lives..... he wants a lot from life ..... a lot more than I can give......

He wants love, he wants peace, he wants happiness.... but Raj..... they are not supposed to be yours..... they were never supposed to be..... what do I tell him and how do I tell him......

Ye Raat Kehti Hai Woh Din Gaye Tere
Ye Jaanta Hai Dil Ki Woh Nahin Mere

I could not face her.... how could I face my grandmother; how could I see tears into her eyes.... she would have surely felt my loss and I would never have been able to see her crying... I was never able to see tears in the eyes of those I loved..... one of the reasons I never attend any funerals.....

But she understood... my latest loss too.... and asked me to let her hold me.....

Daadi Maa... I wish you could hold me..... I wish you could ...

You know something mom..... the kingdom of heaven has been very good to you... sadly, here again we will be separated..... you will reside in the Kingdom of Heaven and I will be away from you... suffering the pangs of pain... in the Empire of Hell......

Dil Ki Ye Hasrat Hai Tere Paas Main Aaoon
Jo Gir Gayi Ho Aisi Nigaah Kaise Milaaon
Nakaam Hoon, Badnaam Hoon;
Kya Mujh Mein Bhala Hai......

Daadi Maa.... If I could .... I definitely would!

The End of a Dream

What pains us the most in life is not the loss of what we want from life but the fact that sometimes what we want from life cannot be ours even though it's so close to us....

Every Man has a Dream, a Dream that he would not let go of under any circumstance... a dream that is so important to him that he would rather risk his life than watch it destroyed. In the youthful days of his life, Man tries his best to reconcile his dreams with the hopes of a new dawn.... he looks at the crimson of the dawn and finds his dreams reflected in the shine of the sun's smiling rays....

The age of 14-26 is so romantic, there is so much challenge in the air... anything and everything is in the grasp of one's hand and with that feeling Youth moves on.. confident of itself and longing to capture the world.... maybe that's the reasons revolutions all over the world have a youth connection.....

The world is bright to them.. .there is love in the air.... idealism surrounds you.... loyalty, faith, love and friendship mean a lot to the heart and the heart rejoices in these periods of child-like innocence and child-like happiness... when all is happiness and all is truth....

It's as if the world is singing with you..... and you are on top of the world....

And then one day, the shafts of sweet light that lit up your mornings start burning you...... and then you look around disillusioned by the light that was supposed to help you.... in a matter of times, all those lofty dreams are smashed and all that remains around you is nothing but charred remains of that dream that you held ever so softly in your hands.... your tears intermingle with the charred remains of your dreams... ruthless considerations of family, career, caste, community, creed, colour, sex and religion start playing their part and all those dreams of faith, loyalty and truth end prematurely....

Still some people shoulder on, carrying the last vestiges of their pains of their broken shoulders, fighting silently against the pain that engulfs them, refusing to accept defeat - shorn of all platitudes and torn apart by the vagaries of life they persist.... only to find themselves either destroyed by those who loved them or by their own dreams....

And then nothing remains..... except a soft voice that sings to us softly:

Jaane Kahan Gaye Woh Din...
Kahete The Teri Raah Mein
Nazron Ko Hum Bichaayenge
Chaahe Kahin Bhi Tum Raho.....
Chaahenge Tumko Umr Bhar
Tumko Naa Bhool Paayenge....

God can sometimes be so funny...

On The Devil

It's such a difficult topic to talk and write about.... but still somehow I felt I must speak about it today.... why? I do not know? Maybe because my heart, being that of a Devil, empathizes a lot with the entity that we call the Devil..... Maybe because I genuinely feel that the Devil has been not understood ... Maybe because I feel that the Devil needs to be given his due.... Maybe it's high time we listened to his side of the Story too....

Why am I speaking about him today? Well... the immediate reason may be the fact that a close friend asked me about my views on Satanism.... I am no follower of that cult neither do I believe in it but somehow I felt that we should not shy away from talking about that entity called as Satan

Why did Satan who was once Lucifer (the angel of light) become the symbol of Darkness? Why did the angel that was most loved by God suddenly become his most hated creation?

Maybe the Devil was Love's first victim proving to one and all that Love can also destroy and it need not always uplift you.

As per the Abrahamic religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, the story of the genesis of the Devil is a very interesting one..... Initially God or Yahweh or Allah (by whatever name you may call him) created Angels and then ordered all his creations to worship him - and him only .....

One of his favourite angels was Satan or Iblis or Lucifer or whatever else thou may call him.... Satan loved God deeply and even God recognized him as the best of his angels. However, when God created Man, he asked all his angels to prostrate in front of his new creation and worship it...... All angels agreed to abide by him except Satan who refused to worship anyone except the Almighty God..... For this singular case of disobedience, he was punished and thrown out of Heaven......

Even religions that do not follow the Abrahamic mode of religion also have similar tales of the genesis of Satan wherein the good lord or God was challenged by someone who could not accept someone else to be closer to God than him... so we have Jay and Vijay agreeing to 3 lives as God's enemies than 7 lives as his devotees...since they could not accept so long a separation .... Can there be any question then on the love that these so called Devils have in their much-abused breasts for the God that we all know

So God banished Devil from hell not because Devil loved him less but because the Devil disobeyed him.... . his disobedience was hence his guilt and nothing more than that.... God never accused the Devil of anything except disobedience and he was punished for nothing except disobedience.... for Devil followed all his injunctions except the one to worship anyone other than God....

So this brings us to an important point.... is Disobedience so big a crime and if yes... why? Wasn't this disobedience not born out of an extreme love and a clear inability to see anyone worth worship except God and if so... didn't God err in the punishment... .wasn't the punishment severer than the crime..... couldn't God see the deep love that Satan had for him....!!!

If it had been only arrogance..... then wouldn't it have broken with a slight punishment? Why an exile for just disobedience...? If God was all-knowing....didn't he see it coming? Why then did it not stop it...? He could have stopped him but he did not.... Maybe because in this case, the Devil was the Lover and God the Beloved!

And so the Devil continues to suffer for a love as pure as any.... for a love as deep as any .... for a love as true as any

As the great poet Shakeel said in one of his immortal verses :

क्यूं तुमने लगाए हैं यहाँ ज़ुल्म के फेरे |
कुछ भी न साथ ले जाओगे, बने क्यूं हो लुटेरे? |
पीते हो ग़रीबों का लहू शाम सवेरे |

ख़ुद पाप करो; नाम हो शैतान का बदनाम

Maybe Love is the greatest crime of the first true lover of this world!

On Love -II

Love is such a beautiful world .... it makes the mind go round; intoxicated with all the nectars of love and fantasy.... round and round.. faster and faster ..... till the mind spins and the soul comes crashing down in a tail-spin.

And then you find out that it was never to be.... that you were attempting to fly over the topmost peaks of the Himalayas, touch the stern cold mount of Mount Everest and all that you were carrying was a balloon..... but love is so foolish that it refuses to listen and goes on till all it has for it's efforts are nothings but pains and tears!

Every Prometheus of the world of love has to suffer the punishment of having his heart being clawed out of his breast every day and eaten raw.... and to the worst of it... he also faces the torture of being immortal to suffer this ongoing agony every day!

And so it goes on ..... the pain and the agony.....

A friend after reading my first post, asked me : when are the dynamics of the loved and the lover decided? Surely it must be decided the day they submerge their separate souls and become a distinct one ... both mentally, spiritually ... and .... sexually?

Sorry... my dear friend - I beg to differ! these rules of engagement are decided very early in the day - long before love reaches that last round of physical realm.... what happens on the bed or thereafter is only a show of the script that was written long ago....

There is a lot more I can speak about that side but that is a different story altogether -

Here I do not wish to speak of Lust - वो कहानी फीर सही!

As Sahir said so beautifully in that classic song from Chitralekha

उतना ही उपकार समझ लो कोई; जीतना साथ नीभा दे |
जनम मरण का मेल है सपना; ये सपना बीसरा दे ||
कोई ना संग मरे

On Love - Part I

The day I first lost in love I promised myself I will never fall in love again ........ unfortunately as some great writer said it at some point of time, "the heart has it's own reasons that reason knows not" and therein lies the sad part ........ over time my heart kept loving and losing and losing with such alarming frequency that very soon the tales of my losses started equalling the stories of the Old Testament and my defeats were in danger of taking over from Zimbabwe and Bangladesh, the title of being the most easily thrashed team and still I kept indulging in it with the same gusto that makes a gambler gamble away his life at the turn of a dice and a loser laugh away his pain at the wheel of fortune.

And so it continues ........ a saga of pain written with tears, blood and pain ........ the players in the game may change but the pain remains the same ........ the victim remains the same, the loser remains the same ........

Not that I regret loving ........ how can I? Everyone I loved carries with herself a little part of heart for ever and ever ........ it's possible that we both may not have loved each other in the same way and to the same extent but then who really cares?

Love is not a contract signed under Indian Contract Act, 1872 that every Offer should have an Acceptance; that the Object and the Consideration should be lawful and that the other party has a duty to fulfil her obligations ........ Love is something beyond that ........ it's something that only gives and never takes; only sacrifices and never asks ........

In any love story, there is always a born disparity ........no two loves can ever love each other with the same intensity........ there will be always be one who loves more (lover) and there will always be one who loves less (beloved) and sadly it's the way of the world that the one who loves less will control the dynamics of the love since the one who loves more will always be forced to accept terms and conditions that the other heaps on him / her

So ........ what should be done? Should one refuse to love? Should one reject love?

However much you wish to, you will never be able to do that ........ love will always find a way to enter your heart, make it's place in your heart and then break your heart!

A Man and his problem

What should I write about... what do I write about.... wish there were easier answers to this question... .sadly answers to questions are often not easy but tough.... not because they are inherently tough but because he tend to complicate matters and then tend to show our expertise by trying to resolve them....

So silly... isn't it?

We first dig a big hole, then walk around it... find it deep and insurmountable and then as if we want to play the tragedy king to perfection.. .and so jump into it..... excellent... taaliyaan! And then while the entire world gasps in horror, we make a big enough hue and cry about the fall.... and then somehow manage to crawl out of it.... And the world is made to think what a GREAT miraculous escape this one was....

Fiat Accompli.....!!!

And we are back to being the martyr that we piously think we are.....

Of course... we are but..... hello.... who created that puddle first? would there be a puddle if you had NOT created it in the first place?

The problem is we all want to be heroes.... a simple enough solution is no solution... the problem has to be converted to a monumental size and then of course..... viola.... there we are the perfect solution to our own perfect problem....

Whoever said... Man is imperfect never understood perfection.... we are the most perfect specimens of imperfection that can ever be....

As Kabir Das says:

रंगी को नारंगी कहें,
बने दूध को खोया,
चलती को गाड़ी कहें,
ये देख कबीरा रोया.....